Friday, September 6, 2019
Meetings Suspended Indefinitely
NDCHEA at this time will not be continuing to meet. If meetings resume in the future, I will be sure to post it here. Thank you.
Friday, February 15, 2019
Raising Arrows, Not Aprons: Am I Raising a Child Who Can Live on His Own?
Were you as unqualified to live on your own as I was when I got married? My husband and I were both full-time college students when we married, and I had never lived on my own before that. I had had chores to do around the house growing up -- dusting, cleaning the bathrooms, mopping the kitchen floor -- but I had no idea how to run a household. I had never been responsible for buying groceries, cleaning the entire house, cooking dinner, or regularly cleaning the kitchen. So many frustrations that first year of marriage stemmed from me having to learn immediately so many of those basic household tasks.
My mother knew that I would need scholarship money in order to attend college, and she rightly focused my attention on my grades and building an academic resume so that I could get those scholarships. I am so grateful for that. However, I would like my children to have more life-skill preparation than I had. Since we homeschool, it is easier to build the learning of these skills into my children's lives than it was for my mother to build them into mine.
A great book to help in this area is Kay Wills Wyma's Cleaning House: A Mom's 12-month Experiment to Rid her Home of Youth Entitlement. In this book, Wyma documents how she had her children work on a different task each month that she felt was important for them to learn for adulthood.
Month 1: A Place for Everything and Everything in its Place. This month the Wyma Family focused on keeping their rooms clean. Kay kept a jar of 30 quarters for each child. If the room was not up to standard, a quarter was removed for that day. The kids got to keep any quarters left in their jars at the end of the month.
Month 2: Kitchen Patrol. Each child had one day per week in which he was responsible for shopping for, preparing, and cleaning up before and after dinner. (Our family has done this a different way, partially because I hate cleaning the kitchen by myself and don't want to make my kids do that. I make a menu list for two weeks. Each of my children has a particular night that is his to cook dinner from the options available on the menu. That night, he also must do the dishes that need washed by hand. His siblings take care of putting the leftover food away, loading the dishwasher, wiping the surfaces, and sweeping the kitchen.)
Month 3: Groundskeeping. Wyma's plan for teaching her kids about yard work was to keep a job posting board with extra outdoor jobs that needed done and the amount that she would pay for each one.
Month 4: Working for a Living. I can't remember at what age she set the requirement, but at some point, she required her children to have summer jobs. Some of the jobs were just volunteer "jobs," but the goal was to have them be accountable to someone besides mom.
Month 5: Dirty Jobs. She taught them to clean the bathrooms. Definitely necessary for life.
Month 6: Laundry. Again, basic necessity here.
Month 7: The Handyman Can. We bought our son a toolbox when he was maybe 8 years old. Since then, he has always been happy to do anything that requires his tools -- even a job as simple as changing the dog's tags each year.
Month 8: The Entertainers. Wyma had her children each plan and host a party within budget. I had never considered this before (family of introverts, need I say more?), but my kids did this and it was kind of fun. All of their parties were different and reflected their personalities.
Month 9: Team Players. The children learned the value of working together on a big project, such as cleaning out the garage.
Month 10: Runner's World. Wyma had her teens run errands. Make sure to include pumping gas -- both my drivers were afraid of doing that, so I have had to make sure I made them practice it. My husband had a great idea when our kids' first got their licenses. He made the deal with them that if they drove for us as much as they drove for themselves, they didn't have to pay for gasoline. We got asked a lot if we needed anything from the store or if younger siblings needed rides anywhere.
Month 11: Serving Others. The Wyma children worked on keeping their eyes open to the needs of those around them. They served others anonymously when possible.
Month 12: Minding Your Manners. Manners are a simple way of reminding ourselves to think of others' needs before our own.
Of course, as we are talking about kids doing chores and learning these life skills, the most important thing to remember is that we can send our kids a very wrong message about themselves. When we hover, race in to save them, arrange their success, or redo a chore after they have done it incorrectly, we send a very clear message to them. That message is, "I will do it for you because you can't." Wyma reminds us that the better message to send is, "I believe in you and am going to prove it by putting you to work." Sometimes we may need to take some time to explain or reteach, but it is worth it in the long run.
There are so many benefits to our kids working at home. They realize that they have an important place in the family. They learn to think of others' needs. They learn the life skills that they will need one day. It makes our load lighter as moms. Who know? Perhaps it will even save them some fights that first year of marriage.
My mother knew that I would need scholarship money in order to attend college, and she rightly focused my attention on my grades and building an academic resume so that I could get those scholarships. I am so grateful for that. However, I would like my children to have more life-skill preparation than I had. Since we homeschool, it is easier to build the learning of these skills into my children's lives than it was for my mother to build them into mine.
A great book to help in this area is Kay Wills Wyma's Cleaning House: A Mom's 12-month Experiment to Rid her Home of Youth Entitlement. In this book, Wyma documents how she had her children work on a different task each month that she felt was important for them to learn for adulthood.
Month 1: A Place for Everything and Everything in its Place. This month the Wyma Family focused on keeping their rooms clean. Kay kept a jar of 30 quarters for each child. If the room was not up to standard, a quarter was removed for that day. The kids got to keep any quarters left in their jars at the end of the month.
Month 2: Kitchen Patrol. Each child had one day per week in which he was responsible for shopping for, preparing, and cleaning up before and after dinner. (Our family has done this a different way, partially because I hate cleaning the kitchen by myself and don't want to make my kids do that. I make a menu list for two weeks. Each of my children has a particular night that is his to cook dinner from the options available on the menu. That night, he also must do the dishes that need washed by hand. His siblings take care of putting the leftover food away, loading the dishwasher, wiping the surfaces, and sweeping the kitchen.)
Month 3: Groundskeeping. Wyma's plan for teaching her kids about yard work was to keep a job posting board with extra outdoor jobs that needed done and the amount that she would pay for each one.
Month 4: Working for a Living. I can't remember at what age she set the requirement, but at some point, she required her children to have summer jobs. Some of the jobs were just volunteer "jobs," but the goal was to have them be accountable to someone besides mom.
Month 5: Dirty Jobs. She taught them to clean the bathrooms. Definitely necessary for life.
Month 6: Laundry. Again, basic necessity here.
Month 7: The Handyman Can. We bought our son a toolbox when he was maybe 8 years old. Since then, he has always been happy to do anything that requires his tools -- even a job as simple as changing the dog's tags each year.
Month 8: The Entertainers. Wyma had her children each plan and host a party within budget. I had never considered this before (family of introverts, need I say more?), but my kids did this and it was kind of fun. All of their parties were different and reflected their personalities.
Month 9: Team Players. The children learned the value of working together on a big project, such as cleaning out the garage.
Month 10: Runner's World. Wyma had her teens run errands. Make sure to include pumping gas -- both my drivers were afraid of doing that, so I have had to make sure I made them practice it. My husband had a great idea when our kids' first got their licenses. He made the deal with them that if they drove for us as much as they drove for themselves, they didn't have to pay for gasoline. We got asked a lot if we needed anything from the store or if younger siblings needed rides anywhere.
Month 11: Serving Others. The Wyma children worked on keeping their eyes open to the needs of those around them. They served others anonymously when possible.
Month 12: Minding Your Manners. Manners are a simple way of reminding ourselves to think of others' needs before our own.
Of course, as we are talking about kids doing chores and learning these life skills, the most important thing to remember is that we can send our kids a very wrong message about themselves. When we hover, race in to save them, arrange their success, or redo a chore after they have done it incorrectly, we send a very clear message to them. That message is, "I will do it for you because you can't." Wyma reminds us that the better message to send is, "I believe in you and am going to prove it by putting you to work." Sometimes we may need to take some time to explain or reteach, but it is worth it in the long run.
There are so many benefits to our kids working at home. They realize that they have an important place in the family. They learn to think of others' needs. They learn the life skills that they will need one day. It makes our load lighter as moms. Who know? Perhaps it will even save them some fights that first year of marriage.
Thursday, January 31, 2019
Raising Arrows, Not Aprons: Am I Raising a Child Who Knows the Lord?
The material from this is largely taken from Todd Friel's Reset for Parents.
What are our responsibilities as Christian parents? What role do we play in the salvation of our children? Todd Friel takes on these questions in his book Reset for Parents. He beseeches us to remember that every Christian is a convert; no one is born a Christian. We must also remember that we are not able to save our children, but we can and should pray for their salvation and to teach them in such a way as to make the gospel attractive to them.
Four goals for our interactions with our children:
1) Our words, actions, tone, and expressions would lead them to love and fear God more
2) Our words, actions, tone, and expressions would encourage them that we are fellow sinners who understand both their struggles and their feelings when they fall
3) Our words, actions, tone, and expressions would build, not tear down, our relationships with our children
4) We would model for our children humility, love for God and others, and reliance on God and the Scriptures.
These goals are enough to be getting on with. Which of us are not aware of our failures in these? It is a constant struggle not to let our own anger, frustrations, and disappointments surface when we are correcting and training our children. But it is a worthwhile struggle, and with prayer and Biblical learning, we can grow in godliness in our parenting.
In addition to considering how we parent, we must also consider what we are teaching our children about God. There are some crucial things for our children to understand about God before we send them out into the post-modern culture in which we live.
1) God and the Law
God is holy and just. He will judge and punish all who fail to keep the law perfectly. It is not enough to be a "good" person. God's standard is 100% obedience to the 10 commandments, which, as Jesus taught us, include not just our actions, but also the desires of our hearts. Understanding our failure to keep the law helps us to see our need for the gospel.
2) The Gospel
The message of the gospel is that even though we are lawbreakers, we are not without hope. God himself, in the second person of the Trinity, came to save us. He perfectly kept the law, and then bore the punishment for our sins on the cross. In doing this, Jesus saved us from the wrath of God (justification) and from our enslavement to our sinful passions (sanctification). Justification is a one-time event by which we are declared "not guilty" in God's court. Salvation is a life-long process by which we become more like Christ as we learn through the scriptures who God is and what He desires our lives to be. Salvation cannot be earned by good works, but good works are evidence of it.
3) The Character of God
If your children have not already been asked, they will be one day, "If God is all-good and all-powerful, why do evil things happen?" Are they ready for that question? Do they know that God is not only good and omnipotent, but also loving, holy, just, long-suffering, patient, kind, generous...? Our kids need to have a foundational knowledge of who God is, and how to discover Him through the scriptures.
4) The Character of Man
Do your children understand that understand that we are each self-centered and slaves to our desires? Do they understand, along with Paul, that they actually will have to battle against their natural desires? There is a common idea in our culture that people are basically good and will do good if just given the right environment. That idea is in direct contradiction to everything in the Bible.
5) Sin
Do your children understand that there is such a thing as sin? Do they know what specific attitudes, words, and actions are sinful, according to Biblical standards? Also, do your children understand that sin is not an "if," but a "when?"
6) Who is Jesus?
Many people believe that Jesus was a good teacher, but that He never claimed to be God. Do your children know that this is untrue? Do your children understand the scriptures in which Jesus claimed to be God?
7) Life is hard and it is not fair.
Bad things are going to happen in our lives. Sometimes these things happen because we have made poor or sinful decisions. But sometimes things that seem bad to us, with our limited perspective, are actually things that drive us closer to God and make us more holy. Are our kids prepared to trust God and turn to Him when things happen in their lives that they don't understand or don't like?
8) How to see God's will for decision-making
Pray for God's wisdom. Read every Bible verse that speaks to the subject. Seek godly counsel from elders who know you well. Consider your preferences. Move forward in peace.
9) For Teens:
If you teens do not have a desire to grow in godliness, to know the Lord better, to be a mature Christian, to serve others; if their only desire is to please themselves, then they may not actually be Christians. It is at least worth a conversation with them if you see no desire for/evidence of spiritual growth in their lives.
What are our responsibilities as Christian parents? What role do we play in the salvation of our children? Todd Friel takes on these questions in his book Reset for Parents. He beseeches us to remember that every Christian is a convert; no one is born a Christian. We must also remember that we are not able to save our children, but we can and should pray for their salvation and to teach them in such a way as to make the gospel attractive to them.
Four goals for our interactions with our children:
1) Our words, actions, tone, and expressions would lead them to love and fear God more
2) Our words, actions, tone, and expressions would encourage them that we are fellow sinners who understand both their struggles and their feelings when they fall
3) Our words, actions, tone, and expressions would build, not tear down, our relationships with our children
4) We would model for our children humility, love for God and others, and reliance on God and the Scriptures.
These goals are enough to be getting on with. Which of us are not aware of our failures in these? It is a constant struggle not to let our own anger, frustrations, and disappointments surface when we are correcting and training our children. But it is a worthwhile struggle, and with prayer and Biblical learning, we can grow in godliness in our parenting.
In addition to considering how we parent, we must also consider what we are teaching our children about God. There are some crucial things for our children to understand about God before we send them out into the post-modern culture in which we live.
1) God and the Law
God is holy and just. He will judge and punish all who fail to keep the law perfectly. It is not enough to be a "good" person. God's standard is 100% obedience to the 10 commandments, which, as Jesus taught us, include not just our actions, but also the desires of our hearts. Understanding our failure to keep the law helps us to see our need for the gospel.
2) The Gospel
The message of the gospel is that even though we are lawbreakers, we are not without hope. God himself, in the second person of the Trinity, came to save us. He perfectly kept the law, and then bore the punishment for our sins on the cross. In doing this, Jesus saved us from the wrath of God (justification) and from our enslavement to our sinful passions (sanctification). Justification is a one-time event by which we are declared "not guilty" in God's court. Salvation is a life-long process by which we become more like Christ as we learn through the scriptures who God is and what He desires our lives to be. Salvation cannot be earned by good works, but good works are evidence of it.
3) The Character of God
If your children have not already been asked, they will be one day, "If God is all-good and all-powerful, why do evil things happen?" Are they ready for that question? Do they know that God is not only good and omnipotent, but also loving, holy, just, long-suffering, patient, kind, generous...? Our kids need to have a foundational knowledge of who God is, and how to discover Him through the scriptures.
4) The Character of Man
Do your children understand that understand that we are each self-centered and slaves to our desires? Do they understand, along with Paul, that they actually will have to battle against their natural desires? There is a common idea in our culture that people are basically good and will do good if just given the right environment. That idea is in direct contradiction to everything in the Bible.
5) Sin
Do your children understand that there is such a thing as sin? Do they know what specific attitudes, words, and actions are sinful, according to Biblical standards? Also, do your children understand that sin is not an "if," but a "when?"
6) Who is Jesus?
Many people believe that Jesus was a good teacher, but that He never claimed to be God. Do your children know that this is untrue? Do your children understand the scriptures in which Jesus claimed to be God?
7) Life is hard and it is not fair.
Bad things are going to happen in our lives. Sometimes these things happen because we have made poor or sinful decisions. But sometimes things that seem bad to us, with our limited perspective, are actually things that drive us closer to God and make us more holy. Are our kids prepared to trust God and turn to Him when things happen in their lives that they don't understand or don't like?
8) How to see God's will for decision-making
Pray for God's wisdom. Read every Bible verse that speaks to the subject. Seek godly counsel from elders who know you well. Consider your preferences. Move forward in peace.
9) For Teens:
If you teens do not have a desire to grow in godliness, to know the Lord better, to be a mature Christian, to serve others; if their only desire is to please themselves, then they may not actually be Christians. It is at least worth a conversation with them if you see no desire for/evidence of spiritual growth in their lives.
Friday, January 25, 2019
Raising Arrows, Not Aprons: What do our Children Need from Us?
This was the topic of both our November and January meetings. We covered so much information that instead of trying to write about it in two large posts, I am going to try to post a little of the information each week until I get through it all.
The premise of this topic is based on Psalm 127:3-5, Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from Him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies at the gate.
In moving forward, then, we need to remember three things. First, children are a gift from God, a blessing. Secondly, they need to be prepared for the battles they will face. Third, this preparation keeps them from being put to shame when they contend with the many "enemies" they will face in adulthood. (I am referring to these more figuratively -- temptations, poor decision-making, and the host of other issues our young adults face.) Unfortunately, we often tend not to prepare our children to be sent out as arrows, but instead (often without thought), parent in ways that encourage them to become more dependent on us, thus tying them to ourselves as aprons.
So what do our children need from us? The things they need from us are so difficult to give them, especially when they are trying our patience. I am going to give these in list form, so that, if you feel that there is one that you really want to focus on, you can pick it out easily. None of us are doing all these things, or even half of them, well. But each of us can choose one to work to improve on.
Unconditional love and respect. (Moms, if you are not showing your sons respect, I encourage you to check out the book, Mothers and Sons: The Respect Effect. Just as love is not something we give our children only if they "deserve" it, so respect is also to be unconditionally given, and this is often not intuitive for moms.) Do your kids know you love and respect them as people even when they fail? Even when they sin in a big way and the whole church finds out about it? God loves and respects you this way.
Edification. Let nothing come out of your mouths that is not helpful for building your children up according to their needs (Eph. 4:29). I don't think this needs further explanation.
Belonging. Our children need to know their important role within our family. This is built by working, serving, and playing together. It is build by listening to, supporting, and encouraging one another.
The building of competence. Let them push the boundaries of what they are able to do. (A couple of weeks ago, I asked my teenage son to remove the lint trap and clean out the lint that had gotten underneath it. I went into the basement a while later to find the front of my dryer completely removed. Yes, that job was more involved than either of us expected, but I just thanked him and went back upstairs.) Give them responsibilities around the house and do not redo the chores if they are done poorly. (Either reteach or make the child redo if needed)
Trustworthiness. Don't share their secret dreams and struggles that they entrust to you. (Ouch! This is the one I will be focusing on.)
Vision. What kind of characteristics do you want your children to have when they become adults? Share this vision with them. Let them know why those things are important, and that you are committed to building them within your child, even if the cost is high to you. (For example, if doing a job well, even if no one is watching, is important to you -- are you willing to stay the course during your child's tantrum when you tell her she has to clean the bathroom again because it has not been done properly the first time?)
Allowing them to make bad decisions, especially as they get older. Let them spend their money frivolously (but don't give them more when they run out). Let them put off an assignment until the night before it is due and get a bad grade on it in co-op. Our kids need to learn how to make decisions when the costs are relatively small, rather than not knowing how to make decisions until they leave our homes when the costs are much higher.
I know these things are so hard. I have three teens now, and as I type this, I think of all the ways that I have not done these things and how much time I have lost. However, when I have succeeded it is because I have had in mind the adults that I want my children to be and have allowed that vision to motivate me in my parenting today. It also helps immensely to know that God loves my children more than I do, that He has prepared good works for them to do, and that I can trust Him that the difficulties He brings into their lives will ultimately make them more Christlike. Honestly, the times that I have grown most in my life have been the times of difficulty, not the times of ease. While my tendency is to "pave the way" for my kids, I realize that I need to stop that because I don't want to steal from them those times of growth. I want to raise arrows, and hard times are a part of that.
Next week: Am I Raising a Child Who Knows the Lord?
The premise of this topic is based on Psalm 127:3-5, Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from Him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies at the gate.
In moving forward, then, we need to remember three things. First, children are a gift from God, a blessing. Secondly, they need to be prepared for the battles they will face. Third, this preparation keeps them from being put to shame when they contend with the many "enemies" they will face in adulthood. (I am referring to these more figuratively -- temptations, poor decision-making, and the host of other issues our young adults face.) Unfortunately, we often tend not to prepare our children to be sent out as arrows, but instead (often without thought), parent in ways that encourage them to become more dependent on us, thus tying them to ourselves as aprons.
So what do our children need from us? The things they need from us are so difficult to give them, especially when they are trying our patience. I am going to give these in list form, so that, if you feel that there is one that you really want to focus on, you can pick it out easily. None of us are doing all these things, or even half of them, well. But each of us can choose one to work to improve on.
Unconditional love and respect. (Moms, if you are not showing your sons respect, I encourage you to check out the book, Mothers and Sons: The Respect Effect. Just as love is not something we give our children only if they "deserve" it, so respect is also to be unconditionally given, and this is often not intuitive for moms.) Do your kids know you love and respect them as people even when they fail? Even when they sin in a big way and the whole church finds out about it? God loves and respects you this way.
Edification. Let nothing come out of your mouths that is not helpful for building your children up according to their needs (Eph. 4:29). I don't think this needs further explanation.
Belonging. Our children need to know their important role within our family. This is built by working, serving, and playing together. It is build by listening to, supporting, and encouraging one another.
The building of competence. Let them push the boundaries of what they are able to do. (A couple of weeks ago, I asked my teenage son to remove the lint trap and clean out the lint that had gotten underneath it. I went into the basement a while later to find the front of my dryer completely removed. Yes, that job was more involved than either of us expected, but I just thanked him and went back upstairs.) Give them responsibilities around the house and do not redo the chores if they are done poorly. (Either reteach or make the child redo if needed)
Trustworthiness. Don't share their secret dreams and struggles that they entrust to you. (Ouch! This is the one I will be focusing on.)
Vision. What kind of characteristics do you want your children to have when they become adults? Share this vision with them. Let them know why those things are important, and that you are committed to building them within your child, even if the cost is high to you. (For example, if doing a job well, even if no one is watching, is important to you -- are you willing to stay the course during your child's tantrum when you tell her she has to clean the bathroom again because it has not been done properly the first time?)
Allowing them to make bad decisions, especially as they get older. Let them spend their money frivolously (but don't give them more when they run out). Let them put off an assignment until the night before it is due and get a bad grade on it in co-op. Our kids need to learn how to make decisions when the costs are relatively small, rather than not knowing how to make decisions until they leave our homes when the costs are much higher.
I know these things are so hard. I have three teens now, and as I type this, I think of all the ways that I have not done these things and how much time I have lost. However, when I have succeeded it is because I have had in mind the adults that I want my children to be and have allowed that vision to motivate me in my parenting today. It also helps immensely to know that God loves my children more than I do, that He has prepared good works for them to do, and that I can trust Him that the difficulties He brings into their lives will ultimately make them more Christlike. Honestly, the times that I have grown most in my life have been the times of difficulty, not the times of ease. While my tendency is to "pave the way" for my kids, I realize that I need to stop that because I don't want to steal from them those times of growth. I want to raise arrows, and hard times are a part of that.
Next week: Am I Raising a Child Who Knows the Lord?
Wednesday, November 7, 2018
September 11 Meeting: Shopping for Time
So many homeschooling moms are questioning, "How can I be more organized?" I have asked that question repeatedly over the years as I sought ways to get everything done in the limited amount of time that I seemed to have each day.
As I read Carolyn Mahaney's book, Shopping for Time, however, I realized there was a better question to be asking. It is, "What is the best way I can be spending my time right now?" Mahaney encourages us to consider the limited resource of our time similarly to how we consider the limited resource of our money. Being thoughtful and prayerful, we consider the "prime deals" for the current season of our lives.
First, we need to do some strategic planning. We thoughtfully and prayerfully think about one or two things we can do to grow in godliness. Then one or two things we can do to love our families better. Add a couple of prime ways to serve in our churches, fellowship with other Christian ladies, evangelize, attend to our work (homeschool), and care for our physical bodies. With Bible in hand, evaluate how we are doing in each of these categories. What is going well and what needs to change?
Of all these things that we have listed, we choose just a couple that we are going to truly focus on, and develop action items for each. For example, if you have toddlers, top of your list might be attending to your work (child training) and caring for your physical body -- because those are two areas in which the time spent now will pay off the greatest benefits in coming years. So you develop an action item or two for those two areas and let the others go until you reevaluate the seven categories again next year.
Another area on which we need to focus is relationships. First, it is important not to thoughtlessly allow others to drift into and out of our lives. Mahaney urges us to be mindful of our relationships. She encourages us to evaluate if we are spending too much time on relationships that should not be receiving so much of our energy (For me, these are the people on Facebook), and also to evaluate if there are some relationships that should be receiving more of our time and attention. She encourages us to consider our friendships. Are we friends with someone who tempts us to sin through gossip or idleness? Perhaps the time with that person should be cut back. Are we friends with someone to stirs us up to good deeds and to deeper faith? Perhaps we should make an effort to spend more time with that person. (Maybe she can meet us for regular walks and we can work on both our physical health and our friendship simultaneously!)
Beginning the day with fifteen minutes of setting priorities can be very helpful. Since reading this book, I have realized how much happier I am with my accomplishments at the end of the day if I have taken those brief minutes to prioritize at the beginning of the day.
Also, while this was not mentioned in Mahaney's book, we also briefly touched on limiting our "technology" time. One way to do this is to keep technology use to the periphery of the day (at morning or night). Limiting both the amount of time that you are on it and the number of times you check it throughout the day is crucial to keeping technology use from becoming a hindrance to accomplishing your goals. We have a limited amount of time and attention to give to events during our day, so let's choose wisely how we will spend them.
Friday, July 27, 2018
What are our Kids Entitled To?
I've just started a new book -- Kristen Welch's Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World. In it (well, at least in the first chapter, which is all I've gotten to), Welch encourages us to think about how we drive entitlement in our children because we never really consider exactly what our children are innately entitled to. They are not entitled to cars or new clothes or college or cell phones or...
They are entitled to one thing, though, according to Welch. They are entitled to our unconditional love. I agree. Our children are entitled to our unconditional love.
However, I would argue that there are at least two more things that they are entitled to. First is our thoughtful consideration of what they need from us in order to be able to live life successfully on their own. Second is the of teaching those things that we have identified.
Have you thought about what your child needs in order to be a successful adult? I mean, actually taken time, maybe multiple times over the years, to consider what your child needs to learn in order to live on his own in just a few years? Have you made a list? Have you thought about what you can teach your child this year to take her further down that road to independence? I am considering household tasks, such as laundry, bathroom and kitchen cleaning, cooking, lawn mowing, gutter cleaning, and the like. I am considering academic tasks, such as writing a paragraph and the basic math needed for life. I am considering relational tasks, such as reaching out to a new person in a group, understanding when someone needs to be left alone or needs a listening ear, and having a disagreement without destroying a friendship. I am considering spiritual tasks, like regular prayer, knowing the Bible well enough to not be misled by false doctrine, the practice of self-control, really hearing sermons, and applying all these to daily life. I am considering life skills, such as care for an automobile, being able to manage a calendar, saying "no" to lesser things in order to devote time to the more important, and volunteering in the community.
There are countless other things that may make your list if you think about it. I want to exhort you and myself, too. Sometimes we get so consumed by providing good activities for our kids that our lives quickly become absorbed by driving to and from practices, lessons, and play dates. Carving out quiet time to think about what our kids really need doesn't seem to be a priority. Cutting good things out of our schedules to hopes of having time for the better seems risky. It is counter-cultural to do these things. It is difficult to do these things.
I would make the argument that it is necessary to do these things, and that we owe it to our kids to do so. This year, we will have two meetings about "Raising Arrows, Not Aprons." We will be talking about the things that our children need from us in order to go out into the world successfully. If you are anything like me, you try to smooth the way for your kids, at least in the areas of life where you can. I am beginning to realize that the more I do that, the more I am tying my children to me (like an apron), making them dependent on me to help them through even the minor difficulties of life. I invite you to join me on this journey of considering what we, as parents, can do to equip our children to be sent out like arrows after these brief years in our homes. It is one of the few things that they are actually entitled to.
They are entitled to one thing, though, according to Welch. They are entitled to our unconditional love. I agree. Our children are entitled to our unconditional love.
However, I would argue that there are at least two more things that they are entitled to. First is our thoughtful consideration of what they need from us in order to be able to live life successfully on their own. Second is the of teaching those things that we have identified.
Have you thought about what your child needs in order to be a successful adult? I mean, actually taken time, maybe multiple times over the years, to consider what your child needs to learn in order to live on his own in just a few years? Have you made a list? Have you thought about what you can teach your child this year to take her further down that road to independence? I am considering household tasks, such as laundry, bathroom and kitchen cleaning, cooking, lawn mowing, gutter cleaning, and the like. I am considering academic tasks, such as writing a paragraph and the basic math needed for life. I am considering relational tasks, such as reaching out to a new person in a group, understanding when someone needs to be left alone or needs a listening ear, and having a disagreement without destroying a friendship. I am considering spiritual tasks, like regular prayer, knowing the Bible well enough to not be misled by false doctrine, the practice of self-control, really hearing sermons, and applying all these to daily life. I am considering life skills, such as care for an automobile, being able to manage a calendar, saying "no" to lesser things in order to devote time to the more important, and volunteering in the community.
There are countless other things that may make your list if you think about it. I want to exhort you and myself, too. Sometimes we get so consumed by providing good activities for our kids that our lives quickly become absorbed by driving to and from practices, lessons, and play dates. Carving out quiet time to think about what our kids really need doesn't seem to be a priority. Cutting good things out of our schedules to hopes of having time for the better seems risky. It is counter-cultural to do these things. It is difficult to do these things.
I would make the argument that it is necessary to do these things, and that we owe it to our kids to do so. This year, we will have two meetings about "Raising Arrows, Not Aprons." We will be talking about the things that our children need from us in order to go out into the world successfully. If you are anything like me, you try to smooth the way for your kids, at least in the areas of life where you can. I am beginning to realize that the more I do that, the more I am tying my children to me (like an apron), making them dependent on me to help them through even the minor difficulties of life. I invite you to join me on this journey of considering what we, as parents, can do to equip our children to be sent out like arrows after these brief years in our homes. It is one of the few things that they are actually entitled to.
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
You are Not Alone
This weekend, I was at the Teach Them Diligently Conference in Columbus. Conventions are a great time to be encouraged and refreshed, and TTD even more so, as it focuses so much on equipping us to disciple our children. While there, I learned of Anthony Bourdain's tragic suicide, and have continued to see articles discussing the loneliness that seems so prevalent in our culture.
I am on lots of facebook homeschooling pages. I see moms ask so many questions that used to be asked face-to-face at support group meetings, church, or co-op. I see moms reaching out for help and answers. It is a wonderful thing to be able to ask questions about learning difficulties and curricula from such a wide audience -- certainly these moms get a much more diverse answer than what they would get face-to-face.
However, facebook groups can't offer hugs to the mom who is struggling with a wayward teen, an exasperating tween, a younger child who just doesn't get it, or preschoolers who are exhausting day in and day out. Facebook groups can't offer hospitality to the mom who needs an hour or two of adult conversation with a fellow mom throughout the day. Facebook groups don't bring meals to a mom who has just had a baby or a death in the family. Facebook groups can't heal loneliness.
Don't be deceived. You may not need them now, but someday those tangible, physical acts will be something you desperately need. Today, someone in your area may need you to be the one to offer those things. Please, wherever you are, find a local support group, for your own sake and in order to support and encourage other moms. Homeschooling is not a road we should try to walk alone.
I welcome you to NDCHEA. We meet during the school year on the second Tuesday of the month at 7 p.m. at Perkins in Englewood. There is no reason for you to be lonely in the Dayton area.
I am on lots of facebook homeschooling pages. I see moms ask so many questions that used to be asked face-to-face at support group meetings, church, or co-op. I see moms reaching out for help and answers. It is a wonderful thing to be able to ask questions about learning difficulties and curricula from such a wide audience -- certainly these moms get a much more diverse answer than what they would get face-to-face.
However, facebook groups can't offer hugs to the mom who is struggling with a wayward teen, an exasperating tween, a younger child who just doesn't get it, or preschoolers who are exhausting day in and day out. Facebook groups can't offer hospitality to the mom who needs an hour or two of adult conversation with a fellow mom throughout the day. Facebook groups don't bring meals to a mom who has just had a baby or a death in the family. Facebook groups can't heal loneliness.
Don't be deceived. You may not need them now, but someday those tangible, physical acts will be something you desperately need. Today, someone in your area may need you to be the one to offer those things. Please, wherever you are, find a local support group, for your own sake and in order to support and encourage other moms. Homeschooling is not a road we should try to walk alone.
I welcome you to NDCHEA. We meet during the school year on the second Tuesday of the month at 7 p.m. at Perkins in Englewood. There is no reason for you to be lonely in the Dayton area.
Monday, December 11, 2017
Opportunities to Fail
While at the gym last week, I noticed a sign: "Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn." As homeschoolers, do we really welcome lack of success in an endeavor as a learning opportunity?
Jessica Lahey, in her book The Gift of Failure, challenges us to allow our kids to fail and to use it as an opportunity for their learning. When we reflect honestly on our own lives, we realize that the times we have grown most spiritually, emotionally, or academically are the difficult times, the times in which we have been challenged. Yet many of us also try to protect our kids from those same opportunities for growth.
So what can we do to overcome this fear of failure in ourselves and our children? Lahey has several suggestions:
1) Give praise when your children demonstrate perseverance in the face of a difficult task, when they try something new. This promotes a growth mentality -- that everyone can improve in a given area with effort and practice. Do not praise their intelligence or ability. This promotes a fixed mentality -- that intelligence and talent are innate and unchanging.
2) Teach that trying and failing are part of the learning process. Model this by trying new things yourself. (From experience, I can tell you that the failures that come from trying new cooking methods or recipes in the kitchen will bring laughter for years to come!)
3) Do give your children chores around the house -- even the youngest can do something. Don't go around after them and correct their mistakes. Either reteach or let it go. Otherwise, you send the message that they can't do it and that you will always be there to fix it for them.
4) Do not swoop in to fix tiffs with their friends or siblings, either. Peers give great natural consequences for inappropriate social behavior, and these are opportunities for our children to learn personal limits, empathy, interpersonal skills, communication skills, etc. When your child is excluded, do not intervene. Remember that making, keeping, and deciding when to part with friends is a valuable part of your child's education. So intervene only when it is completely necessary.
5) In education, grades are not a good intrinsic motivator, so (as many homeschoolers are already doing) try to focus on a love of learning and independent inquiry. If there are problems to be solved, allow your child ample time to try to figure out a solution himself before jumping in to help. While expectations must be made clear, allow your child as much autonomy as possible in deciding when, where, and how to complete her schoolwork.
6) If your child has other teachers, remember that you and she are on the same side. If your child has an issue with grading, assignments, etc., encourage your child to take it up with the teacher. Don't get involved unless absolutely necessary. Remember that the real world is full of rules that we don't agree with but must abide by, as well as demanding bosses that are poor communicators. What a great opportunity for your child to learn how to get along in these situations now.
7) Allow your child to develop "executive function" skills, such as time management, keeping a schedule, and attention to detail. Oh, how I have failed at this, especially by not enforcing deadlines. So now I have a junior in high school and a freshman in college who are trying to learn these skills late in the game. If you have a child in middle school, hand these "chores" over to them as much as possible so that they can learn these skills early.
8) Be calm. If your child fails at something it does not mean you are a bad parent or that you have failed at schooling him. Remember that it is just an opportunity to improve in another area of life.
9) Here is a quick checklist to see the difference between parents who are trying to control their children and parents who are trying to guide their children toward successful independence.
Jessica Lahey, in her book The Gift of Failure, challenges us to allow our kids to fail and to use it as an opportunity for their learning. When we reflect honestly on our own lives, we realize that the times we have grown most spiritually, emotionally, or academically are the difficult times, the times in which we have been challenged. Yet many of us also try to protect our kids from those same opportunities for growth.
So what can we do to overcome this fear of failure in ourselves and our children? Lahey has several suggestions:
1) Give praise when your children demonstrate perseverance in the face of a difficult task, when they try something new. This promotes a growth mentality -- that everyone can improve in a given area with effort and practice. Do not praise their intelligence or ability. This promotes a fixed mentality -- that intelligence and talent are innate and unchanging.
2) Teach that trying and failing are part of the learning process. Model this by trying new things yourself. (From experience, I can tell you that the failures that come from trying new cooking methods or recipes in the kitchen will bring laughter for years to come!)
3) Do give your children chores around the house -- even the youngest can do something. Don't go around after them and correct their mistakes. Either reteach or let it go. Otherwise, you send the message that they can't do it and that you will always be there to fix it for them.
4) Do not swoop in to fix tiffs with their friends or siblings, either. Peers give great natural consequences for inappropriate social behavior, and these are opportunities for our children to learn personal limits, empathy, interpersonal skills, communication skills, etc. When your child is excluded, do not intervene. Remember that making, keeping, and deciding when to part with friends is a valuable part of your child's education. So intervene only when it is completely necessary.
5) In education, grades are not a good intrinsic motivator, so (as many homeschoolers are already doing) try to focus on a love of learning and independent inquiry. If there are problems to be solved, allow your child ample time to try to figure out a solution himself before jumping in to help. While expectations must be made clear, allow your child as much autonomy as possible in deciding when, where, and how to complete her schoolwork.
6) If your child has other teachers, remember that you and she are on the same side. If your child has an issue with grading, assignments, etc., encourage your child to take it up with the teacher. Don't get involved unless absolutely necessary. Remember that the real world is full of rules that we don't agree with but must abide by, as well as demanding bosses that are poor communicators. What a great opportunity for your child to learn how to get along in these situations now.
7) Allow your child to develop "executive function" skills, such as time management, keeping a schedule, and attention to detail. Oh, how I have failed at this, especially by not enforcing deadlines. So now I have a junior in high school and a freshman in college who are trying to learn these skills late in the game. If you have a child in middle school, hand these "chores" over to them as much as possible so that they can learn these skills early.
8) Be calm. If your child fails at something it does not mean you are a bad parent or that you have failed at schooling him. Remember that it is just an opportunity to improve in another area of life.
9) Here is a quick checklist to see the difference between parents who are trying to control their children and parents who are trying to guide their children toward successful independence.
|
Controlling Parents
|
Independence-Supporting Parents
|
|
Give lots of unsolicited
advice/directions in order to prevent mistakes
|
Understand importance of
allowing child to make mistakes so she can learn from them
Offer unsolicited guidance only
when child is really stuck and at big learning moments
|
|
Take over tasks so that they
are done the “right” way
|
Remember that the goal is for
the child to learn to do it herself, not to get the task done
|
|
Offer rewards for common
behaviors
|
Use rewards sparingly
|
|
Provide solutions to problems
before child has really struggled
|
Give child time and silence to
think
Value mistakes and find lessons
in failures
|
|
Don’t let child make her own decisions
|
Recognizes that ownership of
the activity is more important than which activity is chosen.
Recognizes the importance of
opportunities to practice decision-making, even if parent disagrees with the
decision made.
|
|
Nag, nitpick, hover, direct
|
Set limits, but allows autonomy
within those limits.
Hold kids accountable for end
result.
Are available if child needs
them.
|
|
|
Support child’s efforts.
Give feedback that acknowledges
child’s feelings of disappointment/frustration.
Guide child toward seeing her
mistakes.
Model learning from their own
failures and changing strategy.
Seek “Desirable Difficulties”
for their children – where the stakes are low and potential for growth is
high.
Do not rescue child from the
consequences of his mistakes/choices.
Ask themselves, “What am I
doing for my children that they can/should be doing for themselves?”
|
Tuesday, November 14, 2017
Meeting Change for Nov. 14
Our meeting tonight, November 14, 2017, will be held at Panera in Englewood, as Perkins is closed for remodeling.
Friday, September 15, 2017
First Fellowship meeting 2017-2018
We had a great fellowship meeting last night! It was so good to see friends after a summer off.
One of the questions that came up is, "When you are working with one child, how do you deal with your other children needing your attention at that same time?"
One mom shared an idea of setting time blocks allotted to each child. For example, 9-11 is when she might work with her youngest, with the older children working independently until it is their time with mom.
We do something similar in our house. I set 30 minute increments in which I am scheduled to do a specific subject with a specific child. This year, from 9-9:30, I am scheduled to do math with my youngest; then from 9:30-10, Chemistry with my junior, etc.
In the three weeks since we have started school, we have probably done Chemistry at 9:30 possibly three times. However, this is not a problem at all. If my Chemist needs me at a time when I am not working with his sister, I am glad to help him. However, if my Chemist comes to me while I am working with her, I simply point to the schedule and say, "This is my time to work with your sister on her writing. When I am done with that, I will be glad to help you."
No fights. No having to make a spur of the moment decision about whom to help first. The schedule is there. We set it together at the beginning of the year, so there is nothing to get upset about. (Not that that doesn't ever happen, but that is a story for another blog.)
One of the questions that came up is, "When you are working with one child, how do you deal with your other children needing your attention at that same time?"
One mom shared an idea of setting time blocks allotted to each child. For example, 9-11 is when she might work with her youngest, with the older children working independently until it is their time with mom.
We do something similar in our house. I set 30 minute increments in which I am scheduled to do a specific subject with a specific child. This year, from 9-9:30, I am scheduled to do math with my youngest; then from 9:30-10, Chemistry with my junior, etc.
In the three weeks since we have started school, we have probably done Chemistry at 9:30 possibly three times. However, this is not a problem at all. If my Chemist needs me at a time when I am not working with his sister, I am glad to help him. However, if my Chemist comes to me while I am working with her, I simply point to the schedule and say, "This is my time to work with your sister on her writing. When I am done with that, I will be glad to help you."
No fights. No having to make a spur of the moment decision about whom to help first. The schedule is there. We set it together at the beginning of the year, so there is nothing to get upset about. (Not that that doesn't ever happen, but that is a story for another blog.)
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
November 8 meeting update
Due to some last minute complications, our meeting for tonight, November 8, will be a fellowship meeting. We will have our Teach them Diligently Wrap-up at our December meeting.
Monday, September 26, 2016
First meeting of 2016-2017: What Am I Doing?!
We had a great first meeting of this school year. Our topic was, "What am I doing?!" and we basically covered choosing what to do and what to let go in our homeschooling. Contrary to some teachers, who believe that if you just follow the steps they lay out, your parenting (or homeschooling) journey will be successful, I believe that homeschooling and parenting are most successful when they are personalized. So our meeting focused on several questions that we can ask ourselves in order to personalize our homeschooling and time priorities.
First, we asked, "Why is your family homeschooling right now?" We may want to have more time with our children, focusing on building up strong family relations with them and between siblings. We may want to focus on academics and providing a better education than what we had. We may want their education to be more Biblically based or more experiential or more age-appropriate than what the public schools offer. Our answers to this question can help us to determine which curriculum to use (if any), whether or not to join a co-op, how much time to spend on school each day, etcetera.
Secondly we asked, "How do you learn best? How does your child learn best?" This was a consideration of what time of day we learn best; the amount of light, space, noise, and clutter we can tolerate in our learning/work environment; if we like to be more or less scheduled; and if we are predominantly visual, auditory, or kinesthetic learners. After considering each of these for ourselves, we need to consider whether our children are the same as we are. If we don't know, we can start with our own preferences, but just be aware that we may need to change if we discover that our preferences aren't working for our child.
Next, we asked, "What do you hope to accomplish in your homeschooling?" This is a consideration of long-term goals. Whether our long-term goals include college preparation, character training, life-skills or business learning, strong family relationships, or a combination of some or all of these, there are things that we can teach our children now to set them further along the path toward these goals. As with the first question, this question can also help us to make decisions about homeschooling direction (curriculum and like decisions).
Similarly, we asked, "What life-skills do your kids need to know before they leave your home? What can they learn right now?" Nearly all children can be learning some life skill. A young child may not be able to do laundry or cook on his own, but he can fold washcloths and help you in the kitchen. Making it an activity that you do and enjoy together will also help shape his view of work as something that can be fun, or at the very least, can be done with a good attitude since it has to be done anyway.
Finally, we asked, "What are you willing to sacrifice for homeschooling?" Some of us are willing to sacrifice a clean home, others healthy meals. Some are us are not willing to sacrifice either, and so choose to have a less rigorous homeschooling program. All of us have things that we are not willing to "let go." We need to be aware of those things. Homeschooling does require us to sacrifice some things, and it is good to know our own limits. However, things that ought never be sacrificed for homeschooling are our relationships with God, our husbands, or our children. If we are sacrificing those things, we need to re-evaluate our priorities.
Thinking about each of these questions can really help shape our individual homeschools into places where our family's goals are well-thought out and achieved, where our children's individuality is honored and accepted, and where we know our own limits so that we can choose wisely when opportunities come to us.
First, we asked, "Why is your family homeschooling right now?" We may want to have more time with our children, focusing on building up strong family relations with them and between siblings. We may want to focus on academics and providing a better education than what we had. We may want their education to be more Biblically based or more experiential or more age-appropriate than what the public schools offer. Our answers to this question can help us to determine which curriculum to use (if any), whether or not to join a co-op, how much time to spend on school each day, etcetera.
Secondly we asked, "How do you learn best? How does your child learn best?" This was a consideration of what time of day we learn best; the amount of light, space, noise, and clutter we can tolerate in our learning/work environment; if we like to be more or less scheduled; and if we are predominantly visual, auditory, or kinesthetic learners. After considering each of these for ourselves, we need to consider whether our children are the same as we are. If we don't know, we can start with our own preferences, but just be aware that we may need to change if we discover that our preferences aren't working for our child.
Next, we asked, "What do you hope to accomplish in your homeschooling?" This is a consideration of long-term goals. Whether our long-term goals include college preparation, character training, life-skills or business learning, strong family relationships, or a combination of some or all of these, there are things that we can teach our children now to set them further along the path toward these goals. As with the first question, this question can also help us to make decisions about homeschooling direction (curriculum and like decisions).
Similarly, we asked, "What life-skills do your kids need to know before they leave your home? What can they learn right now?" Nearly all children can be learning some life skill. A young child may not be able to do laundry or cook on his own, but he can fold washcloths and help you in the kitchen. Making it an activity that you do and enjoy together will also help shape his view of work as something that can be fun, or at the very least, can be done with a good attitude since it has to be done anyway.
Finally, we asked, "What are you willing to sacrifice for homeschooling?" Some of us are willing to sacrifice a clean home, others healthy meals. Some are us are not willing to sacrifice either, and so choose to have a less rigorous homeschooling program. All of us have things that we are not willing to "let go." We need to be aware of those things. Homeschooling does require us to sacrifice some things, and it is good to know our own limits. However, things that ought never be sacrificed for homeschooling are our relationships with God, our husbands, or our children. If we are sacrificing those things, we need to re-evaluate our priorities.
Thinking about each of these questions can really help shape our individual homeschools into places where our family's goals are well-thought out and achieved, where our children's individuality is honored and accepted, and where we know our own limits so that we can choose wisely when opportunities come to us.
Saturday, July 9, 2016
Suggested Reading
This summer, I happened to pick up a library book, At Home with Madame Chic: Becoming a Connoisseur of Daily Life by Jennifer L. Scott. I was intrigued by an excerpt from the book...You may think that being chic has nothing to do with the most insignificant and mundane moments of the day. Moments like preparing your meals, emptying the dishwasher, and paying bills. The secret is: those moments aren't insignificant. Au Contraire. They are very significant. That's right; if you can change your attitude about making the pasta sauce, or choosing your clothes for the day, folding the laundry, setting the table, or dealing with the incoming mail, you can completely change your life.
The book is not a Christian book per-se, but as I read, I realized that it emcompassed the practical application of much of what we have discussed this year from Titus 2. For me, it especially impacted my attitude about being a keeper at home and loving my children and husband. It also easier to be kind and to be self-controlled when my attitude is aligned with submission to God's plan for my days and not caught up in what I want for myself.
The book is a quick read. If you struggle as I do with enjoying the mundane tasks of life and with going with the flow when your plans are interrupted, I suggest you take the time to check it out.
The book is not a Christian book per-se, but as I read, I realized that it emcompassed the practical application of much of what we have discussed this year from Titus 2. For me, it especially impacted my attitude about being a keeper at home and loving my children and husband. It also easier to be kind and to be self-controlled when my attitude is aligned with submission to God's plan for my days and not caught up in what I want for myself.
The book is a quick read. If you struggle as I do with enjoying the mundane tasks of life and with going with the flow when your plans are interrupted, I suggest you take the time to check it out.
Monday, May 23, 2016
May 10 -- Be Submissive to Your Husband
For the last meeting of our Titus 2 study, we considered what God's command to submit to our husbands means for us. This command is not just found in Titus 2: 4-5; it is also found in Ephesians 5:22-24, Colossians 3:18, and 1 Peter 2:23-3:2.
First, we discussed the word "submission." It comes from the Latin "sub" meaning "under" and "mitto, missi" meaning "to send." So, in essence, submission is a wife choosing to "send" her desires, thoughts for how things ought to be done, etc. "under" her husband's desires and thoughts. Of course, as with all commands from God, this needs to be done cheerfully and respectfully.
These passages teach us that the command to submit comes to us from God himself (meaning that we will be accountable to Him alone at judgement for our obedience) and that we are to submit to our own husbands about everything (unless they demand us to do something against Biblical commands).
We also noted that the greatest hindrance to our submission is not our husband's lack of leadership, desire for carnal things (like video games), or even lack of salvation. Our greatest hindrance to obedience in this area is the same as every other area -- our desire is for our own way instead of God's way.
Luke 5:1-6 gives a great example of how we are to submit. In this story, we see that Peter (a fisherman by profession) respectfully gives his opinion about the command that Jesus gave. ("Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything.") In the same way, we have insights, knowledge, or perspectives that our husbands might not have considered. We ought to respectfully share these with them.
In Peter's story, Jesus' command does not change upon receiving Peter's information. So Peter simply obeyed Him ("But because you say so, I will let down the nets.") Similarly, sometimes our husbands' decisions will not change based on the information we provide. Our response in this instance is simple -- we do what they have requested and trust God with the outcome.
There are so many blessings from submission. First of all, our Titus 2 reading tells us that doing so will keep the word of God from being maligned. (I hope it is acceptable for me to think in the positive -- that doing so will honor the word of God in the eyes of others.) Submission shows the world that difference that Christ makes in the life of a woman.
There are many other blessings as well -- peace in our lives and homes (We no longer have to fight for our own way because we have already decided to give it up.), greater love and respect for our husbands, seeing our husbands become leaders, rightly reflecting the relationship between the church and God, and practicing so that submission to God is easier.
First, we discussed the word "submission." It comes from the Latin "sub" meaning "under" and "mitto, missi" meaning "to send." So, in essence, submission is a wife choosing to "send" her desires, thoughts for how things ought to be done, etc. "under" her husband's desires and thoughts. Of course, as with all commands from God, this needs to be done cheerfully and respectfully.
These passages teach us that the command to submit comes to us from God himself (meaning that we will be accountable to Him alone at judgement for our obedience) and that we are to submit to our own husbands about everything (unless they demand us to do something against Biblical commands).
We also noted that the greatest hindrance to our submission is not our husband's lack of leadership, desire for carnal things (like video games), or even lack of salvation. Our greatest hindrance to obedience in this area is the same as every other area -- our desire is for our own way instead of God's way.
Luke 5:1-6 gives a great example of how we are to submit. In this story, we see that Peter (a fisherman by profession) respectfully gives his opinion about the command that Jesus gave. ("Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything.") In the same way, we have insights, knowledge, or perspectives that our husbands might not have considered. We ought to respectfully share these with them.
In Peter's story, Jesus' command does not change upon receiving Peter's information. So Peter simply obeyed Him ("But because you say so, I will let down the nets.") Similarly, sometimes our husbands' decisions will not change based on the information we provide. Our response in this instance is simple -- we do what they have requested and trust God with the outcome.
There are so many blessings from submission. First of all, our Titus 2 reading tells us that doing so will keep the word of God from being maligned. (I hope it is acceptable for me to think in the positive -- that doing so will honor the word of God in the eyes of others.) Submission shows the world that difference that Christ makes in the life of a woman.
There are many other blessings as well -- peace in our lives and homes (We no longer have to fight for our own way because we have already decided to give it up.), greater love and respect for our husbands, seeing our husbands become leaders, rightly reflecting the relationship between the church and God, and practicing so that submission to God is easier.
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
April 12, 2016 -- Be Kind
Lisa led us in studying the next section of Titus 2, our call to be kind/good. (The words can be used interchangeably here.) Lisa noted that the word here denotes an active kindness. We need to have an attitude of kindness, but that attitude ought to come out in our actions. She used the example of Tabitha (Dorcas) from Acts 9 to demonstrate the meaning. Tabitha was a follower of Christ whose life was full of good works and acts of charity.
To whom are we to show kindness? Galatians 6:10 instructs us to show kindness to the people of the church. Proverbs 31:20 tells us to show kindness to the poor and needy. Our enemies are to receive our kindness according to Luke 6:32-35. Finally, and perhaps the most difficult for us sometimes, we are to show kindness to our families.
Sometimes we are unkind to people in our family because they have hurt us, so we withdraw from them and ignore needs that they may have. Sometimes we take our family members for granted. Sometimes we are so caught up in the duties of keeping our homes and training our children that we forget that we ought to be doing those duties out of a heart of kindness. Lisa reminded us of the end of our Titus 2 verses "...train the young women to...be kind...that the word of God may not be reviled." As homeschooling moms, our family is our mission field. We need to remember that our lack of kindness to our families, and especially our children, may eventually cause those we love to revile the word of God. She encouraged us to be shining examples of kindness to our families who beautifully reflect the love and kindness of God (who is kind even to the unthankful and evil - Luke 6).
At the end of the meeting, we discussed together ways that we can show kindness to our families. Some ideas that were shared are:
1) Think about enjoying your kids. Then it's easier to be kind to them instead of viewing them as an interruption to your day.
2) When you feel like yelling at your kids, hug them instead.
3) Pray for God to make us kind and good.
4) Remember that moms are the thermostats of their homes -- we set the mood.
5) Be accessible. "Mom" is your refuge, the one who is always there. We need our moms to take time to listen to us even as adults; our children need that, too.
6) Figure out your children's love languages and speak them. (See The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell.)
To whom are we to show kindness? Galatians 6:10 instructs us to show kindness to the people of the church. Proverbs 31:20 tells us to show kindness to the poor and needy. Our enemies are to receive our kindness according to Luke 6:32-35. Finally, and perhaps the most difficult for us sometimes, we are to show kindness to our families.
Sometimes we are unkind to people in our family because they have hurt us, so we withdraw from them and ignore needs that they may have. Sometimes we take our family members for granted. Sometimes we are so caught up in the duties of keeping our homes and training our children that we forget that we ought to be doing those duties out of a heart of kindness. Lisa reminded us of the end of our Titus 2 verses "...train the young women to...be kind...that the word of God may not be reviled." As homeschooling moms, our family is our mission field. We need to remember that our lack of kindness to our families, and especially our children, may eventually cause those we love to revile the word of God. She encouraged us to be shining examples of kindness to our families who beautifully reflect the love and kindness of God (who is kind even to the unthankful and evil - Luke 6).
At the end of the meeting, we discussed together ways that we can show kindness to our families. Some ideas that were shared are:
1) Think about enjoying your kids. Then it's easier to be kind to them instead of viewing them as an interruption to your day.
2) When you feel like yelling at your kids, hug them instead.
3) Pray for God to make us kind and good.
4) Remember that moms are the thermostats of their homes -- we set the mood.
5) Be accessible. "Mom" is your refuge, the one who is always there. We need our moms to take time to listen to us even as adults; our children need that, too.
6) Figure out your children's love languages and speak them. (See The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell.)
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
March 8 -- Be Workers at Home
Jamie addressed the next topic in our Titus 2 study -- "be workers at home." She started her presentation by assuring us that there is no checklist of things to do in order to be a good managers of our homes. (Thank goodness! I read a checklist for caring for your home once that included dusting your light bulbs. According to that list, I fail everyday!)
Instead, Jamie pointed us to general truths from the Bible to help us change our mindsets about homemaking.
1) We need to develop a heart for our home. Caring for her home should be a top priority of every woman. (Prov. 14:1, 1 Timothy 5:14) In Proverbs 31, we see a woman who undertook many enterprises, but her primary goal was to serve her family and her home.
2) In caring for our homes, we need to consider what we can do to best help our husbands (Genesis 2:18-22). Does he mind clutter? Then we need to focus on that. Would he consider it a help for us to mow the lawn or help with the landscaping? Then that is what we ought to be doing. Often, we can be distracted by taking care of what we want done in our homes rather than what our husbands and children need.
3) Faithfulness can get boring, but that is what we are called to. In our spiritual lives, conversion stories are so exciting and moving. In our emotional lives, budding romances or new babies stir our hearts. In our physical lives, moving to a new home can be like a new adventure. However, the excitement of all of these things is short-lived. Honestly, the vast majority of our lives are filled with the mundane "duties" that each of these entail -- cleaning that new home and making repairs to it when needed, training that precious child for many, many years without any thanks from him, loving and serving our husbands day in and day out through the years, and daily Bible reading and prayer. These things aren't glamorous. But God doesn't call us to be glamorous. He calls us to be faithful (Mark 10:28-31).
4) Finally, Jamie exhorted us to set our minds on things above (Col. 3:1-4) and to remember that God's wisdom is what we need to be building our lives on -- not on what the world says we need (1 Cor. 1:25). She gave a quote from the Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood -- Fulfillment does not come through pursuing what we think will fulfill us. Fulfillment comes through pursuing the purpose for which we have been created. God has intended that a woman's primary sphere of influence be her home, her husband, and children.
Instead, Jamie pointed us to general truths from the Bible to help us change our mindsets about homemaking.
1) We need to develop a heart for our home. Caring for her home should be a top priority of every woman. (Prov. 14:1, 1 Timothy 5:14) In Proverbs 31, we see a woman who undertook many enterprises, but her primary goal was to serve her family and her home.
2) In caring for our homes, we need to consider what we can do to best help our husbands (Genesis 2:18-22). Does he mind clutter? Then we need to focus on that. Would he consider it a help for us to mow the lawn or help with the landscaping? Then that is what we ought to be doing. Often, we can be distracted by taking care of what we want done in our homes rather than what our husbands and children need.
3) Faithfulness can get boring, but that is what we are called to. In our spiritual lives, conversion stories are so exciting and moving. In our emotional lives, budding romances or new babies stir our hearts. In our physical lives, moving to a new home can be like a new adventure. However, the excitement of all of these things is short-lived. Honestly, the vast majority of our lives are filled with the mundane "duties" that each of these entail -- cleaning that new home and making repairs to it when needed, training that precious child for many, many years without any thanks from him, loving and serving our husbands day in and day out through the years, and daily Bible reading and prayer. These things aren't glamorous. But God doesn't call us to be glamorous. He calls us to be faithful (Mark 10:28-31).
4) Finally, Jamie exhorted us to set our minds on things above (Col. 3:1-4) and to remember that God's wisdom is what we need to be building our lives on -- not on what the world says we need (1 Cor. 1:25). She gave a quote from the Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood -- Fulfillment does not come through pursuing what we think will fulfill us. Fulfillment comes through pursuing the purpose for which we have been created. God has intended that a woman's primary sphere of influence be her home, her husband, and children.
Saturday, January 30, 2016
January 12 meeting -- To be pure
Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their own husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. Titus 2:4-5
We talked about two aspects of purity in this verse. One is the training of younger women to be pure and the other is guarding our own purity.
When talking to our daughters or other young women about purity, there are two things that need to be considered. The most important is their attitude. Regardless of how they dress, do they have an attitude of sensuality or one of modesty? The second is their actual clothing. Do they wear clothing that may be a stumbling block for young men? Both are important in Christian purity.
We also need to keep ourselves pure. This includes guarding against adultery by blocking from our lives any person, book, music, movie, television show, etc. that tempts us to think or behave inappropriately. It also includes taking positive measures to treasure our marriage -- making ourselves attractive to our husbands, having a cheerful attitude, and making time for physical intimacy.
Of course, most importantly in any battle against the flesh is reliance on the Lord. Prayer, Bible study, and regular worship in a church body which knows you and can hold you accountable are all crucial to remaining pure in a way that will keep the word of God from being maligned.
We talked about two aspects of purity in this verse. One is the training of younger women to be pure and the other is guarding our own purity.
When talking to our daughters or other young women about purity, there are two things that need to be considered. The most important is their attitude. Regardless of how they dress, do they have an attitude of sensuality or one of modesty? The second is their actual clothing. Do they wear clothing that may be a stumbling block for young men? Both are important in Christian purity.
We also need to keep ourselves pure. This includes guarding against adultery by blocking from our lives any person, book, music, movie, television show, etc. that tempts us to think or behave inappropriately. It also includes taking positive measures to treasure our marriage -- making ourselves attractive to our husbands, having a cheerful attitude, and making time for physical intimacy.
Of course, most importantly in any battle against the flesh is reliance on the Lord. Prayer, Bible study, and regular worship in a church body which knows you and can hold you accountable are all crucial to remaining pure in a way that will keep the word of God from being maligned.
Monday, December 28, 2015
December 8 meeting -- Be Self-Controlled
There is something good for me in being called to present something that I still struggle with myself. I learned a lot in preparing for this lesson and was glad for the reminder to be self-controlled, "so that no one will malign the word of God." I took much of the information for this presentation from Carolyn Mahaney's book Feminine Appeal.
The word used in Titus 2 for self-controlled is "sophron." The root word that it comes from is "sophroneo," which means "to be in a right state of mind, have sober judgement; to be self-controlled." (Thank you NIV Key Word Bible.)
What are some things we need to do in order to "be in a right state of mind?" First, we must recognize that we are our own worst enemies. It is helpful for us to remember that we have sinful desires and that we like to indulge them. Secondly, we must realize that self-control doesn't just happen. We must continually work toward greater self-control. (Phil. 2:12 says "...continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose.") Finally, we must be aware that our thoughts and feelings are part of our fallen nature and can be sinful themselves.
What are some things that we need to do in order to "have sober judgement?" The first thing we need is to know God's will, and the only way to do this is to be intently studying God's word on a regular basis (Romans 12:2). We also need wisdom to be able to apply God's word to our situations, knowing how and when to speak and to act. Fortunately, God has told us in James 1:5 that all we need to do is to ask Him for wisdom and He will give generously to us.
The hardest step of all may be in exercising self-control. Sometimes it feels as if we are giving up what we really want when we have to be self-controlled. However, Carolyn Mahaney points out that while giving in to temptation may be pleasant at the time, it inevitably causes sorrows that we would rather avoid (broken relationships, poor health, stressful days, etc.). She says, "When we recognize self-control as the virtue that spares us from sin's negative consequences, we will welcome it eagerly as our friend."
Some areas in which we may find ourselves lacking self-control are sleep related -- getting up with the alarm or going to bed when we know we should (instead of wanting just a few more minutes of "me time"). Many of us struggle with yelling or using angry words with our family members and need to practice self-control over our tongues. Often we need to exhibit self-control with our thoughts. Replaying past hurts, worrying about situations, and dwelling on fear are all ungodly thoughts that we ought to purge from our minds. Sometimes we even need to exhibit self-control over our feelings. We acknowledge that we are feeling a certain way, but some feelings are sinful (frustration is the one that I often struggle with) and need to be pushed away, not indulged.
How can we make our self-control battles more successful? One practical way to help is to make wise choices before tempting situations arise. For example, we can avoid movies, music, television shows, books, etc. that will cause us to have ungodly thoughts or feelings. Also, hunger and tiredness can make self-control more difficult, so it is important to meet our bodies' needs or at least be on guard when we are lacking sleep or meals are delayed. Most importantly, we must remember that self-control is a fruit of the Spirit, and we will never grow it unless we remain in the vine (John 15).
The word used in Titus 2 for self-controlled is "sophron." The root word that it comes from is "sophroneo," which means "to be in a right state of mind, have sober judgement; to be self-controlled." (Thank you NIV Key Word Bible.)
What are some things we need to do in order to "be in a right state of mind?" First, we must recognize that we are our own worst enemies. It is helpful for us to remember that we have sinful desires and that we like to indulge them. Secondly, we must realize that self-control doesn't just happen. We must continually work toward greater self-control. (Phil. 2:12 says "...continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose.") Finally, we must be aware that our thoughts and feelings are part of our fallen nature and can be sinful themselves.
What are some things that we need to do in order to "have sober judgement?" The first thing we need is to know God's will, and the only way to do this is to be intently studying God's word on a regular basis (Romans 12:2). We also need wisdom to be able to apply God's word to our situations, knowing how and when to speak and to act. Fortunately, God has told us in James 1:5 that all we need to do is to ask Him for wisdom and He will give generously to us.
The hardest step of all may be in exercising self-control. Sometimes it feels as if we are giving up what we really want when we have to be self-controlled. However, Carolyn Mahaney points out that while giving in to temptation may be pleasant at the time, it inevitably causes sorrows that we would rather avoid (broken relationships, poor health, stressful days, etc.). She says, "When we recognize self-control as the virtue that spares us from sin's negative consequences, we will welcome it eagerly as our friend."
Some areas in which we may find ourselves lacking self-control are sleep related -- getting up with the alarm or going to bed when we know we should (instead of wanting just a few more minutes of "me time"). Many of us struggle with yelling or using angry words with our family members and need to practice self-control over our tongues. Often we need to exhibit self-control with our thoughts. Replaying past hurts, worrying about situations, and dwelling on fear are all ungodly thoughts that we ought to purge from our minds. Sometimes we even need to exhibit self-control over our feelings. We acknowledge that we are feeling a certain way, but some feelings are sinful (frustration is the one that I often struggle with) and need to be pushed away, not indulged.
How can we make our self-control battles more successful? One practical way to help is to make wise choices before tempting situations arise. For example, we can avoid movies, music, television shows, books, etc. that will cause us to have ungodly thoughts or feelings. Also, hunger and tiredness can make self-control more difficult, so it is important to meet our bodies' needs or at least be on guard when we are lacking sleep or meals are delayed. Most importantly, we must remember that self-control is a fruit of the Spirit, and we will never grow it unless we remain in the vine (John 15).
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
October 13 meeting -- Love your Children
Ha! I'm totally a homeschooling mom, as I sit to write this account of October's meeting in December! It has been a busy autumn.
Becky and I split the work for this presentation. She started our meeting with the following quote from Matthew Henry's commentary on this passage of scripture: And to love their children, not with a natural affection only, but a spiritual, a love springing from a holy sanctified heart and regulated by the Word; not a fond, foolish love, indulging them in evil, neglecting due reproof and correction where necessary, but a regular Christian love, showing itself in their pious education, forming their life and manners aright, taking care of their souls as well as their bodies, of their spiritual welfare as well as of their temporal, of the former chiefly and in the first place. The reason is added: That the Word of God may not be blasphemed. Failures in such relative duties would be greatly to the reproach of Christianity.
So really, does anything else need to be said? Not really, but here is how the meeting continued --
It is sobering to think that my words and actions toward my children could cause the Word of God to be blasphemed. However, we need not be discouraged by such a daunting warning. We know that we are going to fail sometimes. Matthew Henry reminds us that this rigorous love springs from "a holy sanctified heart" and is "regulated by the Word of God." As I stay rooted in the reading of scripture and in prayer, I am equipped to love my children this way, and His grace and love to me can be multiplied in their lives.
We again talked about the power of our words -- the importance of using them to build up our children and not tear them down and the importance of saying "I'm sorry." We talked about the importance of not being blindly permissive, but rousing ourselves to correct and discipline when it is necessary. As Christians, it is also important to know when it is time to correct and when it is time to show mercy and give encouragement instead.
Becky closed with the reminder that the word for "love" here is "phileo," meaning a love that enjoys and cherishes. Loving our children in this way is joyful and affectionate; it means laughing together, cheering them on, and empathizing with their hurts (instead of saying, "I told you so").
As I took over with the practical applications of some of these ideas, I reminded us all that our goal is to raise children who will leave us one day. Will they make wise decisions then? Will they call us for counsel then? Will they call us when they make big mistakes then? What kind of relationship are we building now? I hope that all of us are working to build open, honest, and loving relationships with our children.
Some ways that we can do this are: listening to them (even when we are not interested in the topic at hand), observing them (discover their strengths and weaknesses, figure out what interests them -- use this information in planning school or encouraging them to try new things), thinking and praying about their futures, preparing them for their futures (home skills, traits for success, relationships, spiritual battles, etc.), and showing them tough love when it is needed (stick to the consequences that have been laid out).
Finally, I talked about adjusting to the different phases of parenting. For example, a toddler needs immediate correction, but often a teen needs time to cool down before correction can take place. Teens and pre-teens will also often have emotional outbursts, and we need to know when to just give them a hug. Always we want to watch that we don't lose our tempers and yell at our children, but with teens it is especially easy to get pulled into a shouting match. So we just need to be prepared for that different stage of life, remembering that we want to build a relationship that will be rock solid when the time comes for them to be out on their own.
Becky and I split the work for this presentation. She started our meeting with the following quote from Matthew Henry's commentary on this passage of scripture: And to love their children, not with a natural affection only, but a spiritual, a love springing from a holy sanctified heart and regulated by the Word; not a fond, foolish love, indulging them in evil, neglecting due reproof and correction where necessary, but a regular Christian love, showing itself in their pious education, forming their life and manners aright, taking care of their souls as well as their bodies, of their spiritual welfare as well as of their temporal, of the former chiefly and in the first place. The reason is added: That the Word of God may not be blasphemed. Failures in such relative duties would be greatly to the reproach of Christianity.
So really, does anything else need to be said? Not really, but here is how the meeting continued --
It is sobering to think that my words and actions toward my children could cause the Word of God to be blasphemed. However, we need not be discouraged by such a daunting warning. We know that we are going to fail sometimes. Matthew Henry reminds us that this rigorous love springs from "a holy sanctified heart" and is "regulated by the Word of God." As I stay rooted in the reading of scripture and in prayer, I am equipped to love my children this way, and His grace and love to me can be multiplied in their lives.
We again talked about the power of our words -- the importance of using them to build up our children and not tear them down and the importance of saying "I'm sorry." We talked about the importance of not being blindly permissive, but rousing ourselves to correct and discipline when it is necessary. As Christians, it is also important to know when it is time to correct and when it is time to show mercy and give encouragement instead.
Becky closed with the reminder that the word for "love" here is "phileo," meaning a love that enjoys and cherishes. Loving our children in this way is joyful and affectionate; it means laughing together, cheering them on, and empathizing with their hurts (instead of saying, "I told you so").
As I took over with the practical applications of some of these ideas, I reminded us all that our goal is to raise children who will leave us one day. Will they make wise decisions then? Will they call us for counsel then? Will they call us when they make big mistakes then? What kind of relationship are we building now? I hope that all of us are working to build open, honest, and loving relationships with our children.
Some ways that we can do this are: listening to them (even when we are not interested in the topic at hand), observing them (discover their strengths and weaknesses, figure out what interests them -- use this information in planning school or encouraging them to try new things), thinking and praying about their futures, preparing them for their futures (home skills, traits for success, relationships, spiritual battles, etc.), and showing them tough love when it is needed (stick to the consequences that have been laid out).
Finally, I talked about adjusting to the different phases of parenting. For example, a toddler needs immediate correction, but often a teen needs time to cool down before correction can take place. Teens and pre-teens will also often have emotional outbursts, and we need to know when to just give them a hug. Always we want to watch that we don't lose our tempers and yell at our children, but with teens it is especially easy to get pulled into a shouting match. So we just need to be prepared for that different stage of life, remembering that we want to build a relationship that will be rock solid when the time comes for them to be out on their own.
Saturday, October 3, 2015
Sept. 8 Meeting -- Love your Husband
This year's NDCHEA meetings will be following a slightly different schedule from the one we have followed for the past several years. Last spring, our members decided that we would like to focus more on spiritual growth this year, rather than the more practical "how-to" focus that we have had in the past. (For those "how-to" questions that still arise, we have fellowship meetings in November and February where parents can bring up any issues they are facing.)
For this year, we will be concentrating on the list of character qualities from Titus 2:4-5 that the older women are to teach the younger women...to love their husbands and children; to be self-controlled, kind, pure, and managers of their homes; and to be submissive to their own husbands. Each month one of the NDCHEA members will be giving a short presentation on what she has learned over the years about that particular quality and how she tries to exhibit it in her home and homeschooling.
On September 8, Lisa set the standard for the rest of the meetings this year as she discussed loving our husbands. Most of the information she presented came from the book A Woman after God's Own Heart by Elizabeth George. She began by reminding us why Titus 2 says that these seven qualities are important -- to help younger women, to help ourselves, and that the Word of God may not be reviled.
Lisa then went on to discuss three aspects of loving our husbands. These are serving, submitting, and loving. She reminded us that Matthew 20:28 tells us that Christ came to serve, not to be served. With our husbands, we are called to be their helpers (Gen. 2:18). She defined a helper as one who shares a man's responsibilities, responds to his nature with understanding and love, and wholeheartedly cooperates with him in working out the plan of God. Each of us has to consider -- What are my husband's responsibilities? What is his nature and how should I respond to it? What does it look like when I cooperate with him? We can successfully serve when we make a commitment to help him in his responsibilities, focus on him (his preferences/needs) and not ourselves, make the best of whatever happens, and ask ourselves before speaking or acting, "Will this help him or hinder him?"
Lisa spent only a little time talking about submission, as it will be covered in a later meeting, but she did define it for us as placing ourselves under someone else. She reminded us that submission is a choice, not something that anyone can force you to do. However, when we move away from selfishness, we reflect God's character. Also, submission is not actually about our husbands -- our submission is unto the Lord. In the end, our husbands will be accountable to God for their leadership decisions, and we will be accountable to God for how we submit to that leadership.
Finally, Lisa talked about loving our husbands. The word for love in this verse is "phileo," which many know as "friendship love." We are to cherish and enjoy our husbands, seeing them as our best friends. She encouraged us to "spoil him rotten" and reminded us NOT to over-invest in our children while under-investing in our marriages.
She gave several practical things that we can do to love our husbands. We can pray for him daily. We can plan and prepare for him daily. (This would look different in different homes, but for my home it means that when my husband walks in after work, the kitchen table is cleaned off and there is smile on my face for him!) We can please him by making an effort to learn what he likes and dislikes, and even learn about things that he is interested in. We must protect our time with him, physically love him, and praise him both in public and private (never criticize him in public). Also, she recommended positively responding to him -- making it a habit of saying "sure" or "yes" to his requests, instead of responding negatively.
I know many ladies already know much of this information, but it is always good to be reminded. When I came home after the meeting, my husband and I were talking about the things Lisa had said, and it opened the opportunity for a good discussion about a couple of things that he would like to be better in our home. It was so good to remember that there is always something (even a little thing) that I can do to enhance the most important human relationship I have.
For this year, we will be concentrating on the list of character qualities from Titus 2:4-5 that the older women are to teach the younger women...to love their husbands and children; to be self-controlled, kind, pure, and managers of their homes; and to be submissive to their own husbands. Each month one of the NDCHEA members will be giving a short presentation on what she has learned over the years about that particular quality and how she tries to exhibit it in her home and homeschooling.
On September 8, Lisa set the standard for the rest of the meetings this year as she discussed loving our husbands. Most of the information she presented came from the book A Woman after God's Own Heart by Elizabeth George. She began by reminding us why Titus 2 says that these seven qualities are important -- to help younger women, to help ourselves, and that the Word of God may not be reviled.
Lisa then went on to discuss three aspects of loving our husbands. These are serving, submitting, and loving. She reminded us that Matthew 20:28 tells us that Christ came to serve, not to be served. With our husbands, we are called to be their helpers (Gen. 2:18). She defined a helper as one who shares a man's responsibilities, responds to his nature with understanding and love, and wholeheartedly cooperates with him in working out the plan of God. Each of us has to consider -- What are my husband's responsibilities? What is his nature and how should I respond to it? What does it look like when I cooperate with him? We can successfully serve when we make a commitment to help him in his responsibilities, focus on him (his preferences/needs) and not ourselves, make the best of whatever happens, and ask ourselves before speaking or acting, "Will this help him or hinder him?"
Lisa spent only a little time talking about submission, as it will be covered in a later meeting, but she did define it for us as placing ourselves under someone else. She reminded us that submission is a choice, not something that anyone can force you to do. However, when we move away from selfishness, we reflect God's character. Also, submission is not actually about our husbands -- our submission is unto the Lord. In the end, our husbands will be accountable to God for their leadership decisions, and we will be accountable to God for how we submit to that leadership.
Finally, Lisa talked about loving our husbands. The word for love in this verse is "phileo," which many know as "friendship love." We are to cherish and enjoy our husbands, seeing them as our best friends. She encouraged us to "spoil him rotten" and reminded us NOT to over-invest in our children while under-investing in our marriages.
She gave several practical things that we can do to love our husbands. We can pray for him daily. We can plan and prepare for him daily. (This would look different in different homes, but for my home it means that when my husband walks in after work, the kitchen table is cleaned off and there is smile on my face for him!) We can please him by making an effort to learn what he likes and dislikes, and even learn about things that he is interested in. We must protect our time with him, physically love him, and praise him both in public and private (never criticize him in public). Also, she recommended positively responding to him -- making it a habit of saying "sure" or "yes" to his requests, instead of responding negatively.
I know many ladies already know much of this information, but it is always good to be reminded. When I came home after the meeting, my husband and I were talking about the things Lisa had said, and it opened the opportunity for a good discussion about a couple of things that he would like to be better in our home. It was so good to remember that there is always something (even a little thing) that I can do to enhance the most important human relationship I have.
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