This was the topic of both our November and January meetings. We covered so much information that instead of trying to write about it in two large posts, I am going to try to post a little of the information each week until I get through it all.
The premise of this topic is based on Psalm 127:3-5, Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from Him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies at the gate.
In moving forward, then, we need to remember three things. First, children are a gift from God, a blessing. Secondly, they need to be prepared for the battles they will face. Third, this preparation keeps them from being put to shame when they contend with the many "enemies" they will face in adulthood. (I am referring to these more figuratively -- temptations, poor decision-making, and the host of other issues our young adults face.) Unfortunately, we often tend not to prepare our children to be sent out as arrows, but instead (often without thought), parent in ways that encourage them to become more dependent on us, thus tying them to ourselves as aprons.
So what do our children need from us? The things they need from us are so difficult to give them, especially when they are trying our patience. I am going to give these in list form, so that, if you feel that there is one that you really want to focus on, you can pick it out easily. None of us are doing all these things, or even half of them, well. But each of us can choose one to work to improve on.
Unconditional love and respect. (Moms, if you are not showing your sons respect, I encourage you to check out the book, Mothers and Sons: The Respect Effect. Just as love is not something we give our children only if they "deserve" it, so respect is also to be unconditionally given, and this is often not intuitive for moms.) Do your kids know you love and respect them as people even when they fail? Even when they sin in a big way and the whole church finds out about it? God loves and respects you this way.
Edification. Let nothing come out of your mouths that is not helpful for building your children up according to their needs (Eph. 4:29). I don't think this needs further explanation.
Belonging. Our children need to know their important role within our family. This is built by working, serving, and playing together. It is build by listening to, supporting, and encouraging one another.
The building of competence. Let them push the boundaries of what they are able to do. (A couple of weeks ago, I asked my teenage son to remove the lint trap and clean out the lint that had gotten underneath it. I went into the basement a while later to find the front of my dryer completely removed. Yes, that job was more involved than either of us expected, but I just thanked him and went back upstairs.) Give them responsibilities around the house and do not redo the chores if they are done poorly. (Either reteach or make the child redo if needed)
Trustworthiness. Don't share their secret dreams and struggles that they entrust to you. (Ouch! This is the one I will be focusing on.)
Vision. What kind of characteristics do you want your children to have when they become adults? Share this vision with them. Let them know why those things are important, and that you are committed to building them within your child, even if the cost is high to you. (For example, if doing a job well, even if no one is watching, is important to you -- are you willing to stay the course during your child's tantrum when you tell her she has to clean the bathroom again because it has not been done properly the first time?)
Allowing them to make bad decisions, especially as they get older. Let them spend their money frivolously (but don't give them more when they run out). Let them put off an assignment until the night before it is due and get a bad grade on it in co-op. Our kids need to learn how to make decisions when the costs are relatively small, rather than not knowing how to make decisions until they leave our homes when the costs are much higher.
I know these things are so hard. I have three teens now, and as I type this, I think of all the ways that I have not done these things and how much time I have lost. However, when I have succeeded it is because I have had in mind the adults that I want my children to be and have allowed that vision to motivate me in my parenting today. It also helps immensely to know that God loves my children more than I do, that He has prepared good works for them to do, and that I can trust Him that the difficulties He brings into their lives will ultimately make them more Christlike. Honestly, the times that I have grown most in my life have been the times of difficulty, not the times of ease. While my tendency is to "pave the way" for my kids, I realize that I need to stop that because I don't want to steal from them those times of growth. I want to raise arrows, and hard times are a part of that.
Next week: Am I Raising a Child Who Knows the Lord?
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