Friday, September 6, 2019
Meetings Suspended Indefinitely
NDCHEA at this time will not be continuing to meet. If meetings resume in the future, I will be sure to post it here. Thank you.
Friday, February 15, 2019
Raising Arrows, Not Aprons: Am I Raising a Child Who Can Live on His Own?
Were you as unqualified to live on your own as I was when I got married? My husband and I were both full-time college students when we married, and I had never lived on my own before that. I had had chores to do around the house growing up -- dusting, cleaning the bathrooms, mopping the kitchen floor -- but I had no idea how to run a household. I had never been responsible for buying groceries, cleaning the entire house, cooking dinner, or regularly cleaning the kitchen. So many frustrations that first year of marriage stemmed from me having to learn immediately so many of those basic household tasks.
My mother knew that I would need scholarship money in order to attend college, and she rightly focused my attention on my grades and building an academic resume so that I could get those scholarships. I am so grateful for that. However, I would like my children to have more life-skill preparation than I had. Since we homeschool, it is easier to build the learning of these skills into my children's lives than it was for my mother to build them into mine.
A great book to help in this area is Kay Wills Wyma's Cleaning House: A Mom's 12-month Experiment to Rid her Home of Youth Entitlement. In this book, Wyma documents how she had her children work on a different task each month that she felt was important for them to learn for adulthood.
Month 1: A Place for Everything and Everything in its Place. This month the Wyma Family focused on keeping their rooms clean. Kay kept a jar of 30 quarters for each child. If the room was not up to standard, a quarter was removed for that day. The kids got to keep any quarters left in their jars at the end of the month.
Month 2: Kitchen Patrol. Each child had one day per week in which he was responsible for shopping for, preparing, and cleaning up before and after dinner. (Our family has done this a different way, partially because I hate cleaning the kitchen by myself and don't want to make my kids do that. I make a menu list for two weeks. Each of my children has a particular night that is his to cook dinner from the options available on the menu. That night, he also must do the dishes that need washed by hand. His siblings take care of putting the leftover food away, loading the dishwasher, wiping the surfaces, and sweeping the kitchen.)
Month 3: Groundskeeping. Wyma's plan for teaching her kids about yard work was to keep a job posting board with extra outdoor jobs that needed done and the amount that she would pay for each one.
Month 4: Working for a Living. I can't remember at what age she set the requirement, but at some point, she required her children to have summer jobs. Some of the jobs were just volunteer "jobs," but the goal was to have them be accountable to someone besides mom.
Month 5: Dirty Jobs. She taught them to clean the bathrooms. Definitely necessary for life.
Month 6: Laundry. Again, basic necessity here.
Month 7: The Handyman Can. We bought our son a toolbox when he was maybe 8 years old. Since then, he has always been happy to do anything that requires his tools -- even a job as simple as changing the dog's tags each year.
Month 8: The Entertainers. Wyma had her children each plan and host a party within budget. I had never considered this before (family of introverts, need I say more?), but my kids did this and it was kind of fun. All of their parties were different and reflected their personalities.
Month 9: Team Players. The children learned the value of working together on a big project, such as cleaning out the garage.
Month 10: Runner's World. Wyma had her teens run errands. Make sure to include pumping gas -- both my drivers were afraid of doing that, so I have had to make sure I made them practice it. My husband had a great idea when our kids' first got their licenses. He made the deal with them that if they drove for us as much as they drove for themselves, they didn't have to pay for gasoline. We got asked a lot if we needed anything from the store or if younger siblings needed rides anywhere.
Month 11: Serving Others. The Wyma children worked on keeping their eyes open to the needs of those around them. They served others anonymously when possible.
Month 12: Minding Your Manners. Manners are a simple way of reminding ourselves to think of others' needs before our own.
Of course, as we are talking about kids doing chores and learning these life skills, the most important thing to remember is that we can send our kids a very wrong message about themselves. When we hover, race in to save them, arrange their success, or redo a chore after they have done it incorrectly, we send a very clear message to them. That message is, "I will do it for you because you can't." Wyma reminds us that the better message to send is, "I believe in you and am going to prove it by putting you to work." Sometimes we may need to take some time to explain or reteach, but it is worth it in the long run.
There are so many benefits to our kids working at home. They realize that they have an important place in the family. They learn to think of others' needs. They learn the life skills that they will need one day. It makes our load lighter as moms. Who know? Perhaps it will even save them some fights that first year of marriage.
My mother knew that I would need scholarship money in order to attend college, and she rightly focused my attention on my grades and building an academic resume so that I could get those scholarships. I am so grateful for that. However, I would like my children to have more life-skill preparation than I had. Since we homeschool, it is easier to build the learning of these skills into my children's lives than it was for my mother to build them into mine.
A great book to help in this area is Kay Wills Wyma's Cleaning House: A Mom's 12-month Experiment to Rid her Home of Youth Entitlement. In this book, Wyma documents how she had her children work on a different task each month that she felt was important for them to learn for adulthood.
Month 1: A Place for Everything and Everything in its Place. This month the Wyma Family focused on keeping their rooms clean. Kay kept a jar of 30 quarters for each child. If the room was not up to standard, a quarter was removed for that day. The kids got to keep any quarters left in their jars at the end of the month.
Month 2: Kitchen Patrol. Each child had one day per week in which he was responsible for shopping for, preparing, and cleaning up before and after dinner. (Our family has done this a different way, partially because I hate cleaning the kitchen by myself and don't want to make my kids do that. I make a menu list for two weeks. Each of my children has a particular night that is his to cook dinner from the options available on the menu. That night, he also must do the dishes that need washed by hand. His siblings take care of putting the leftover food away, loading the dishwasher, wiping the surfaces, and sweeping the kitchen.)
Month 3: Groundskeeping. Wyma's plan for teaching her kids about yard work was to keep a job posting board with extra outdoor jobs that needed done and the amount that she would pay for each one.
Month 4: Working for a Living. I can't remember at what age she set the requirement, but at some point, she required her children to have summer jobs. Some of the jobs were just volunteer "jobs," but the goal was to have them be accountable to someone besides mom.
Month 5: Dirty Jobs. She taught them to clean the bathrooms. Definitely necessary for life.
Month 6: Laundry. Again, basic necessity here.
Month 7: The Handyman Can. We bought our son a toolbox when he was maybe 8 years old. Since then, he has always been happy to do anything that requires his tools -- even a job as simple as changing the dog's tags each year.
Month 8: The Entertainers. Wyma had her children each plan and host a party within budget. I had never considered this before (family of introverts, need I say more?), but my kids did this and it was kind of fun. All of their parties were different and reflected their personalities.
Month 9: Team Players. The children learned the value of working together on a big project, such as cleaning out the garage.
Month 10: Runner's World. Wyma had her teens run errands. Make sure to include pumping gas -- both my drivers were afraid of doing that, so I have had to make sure I made them practice it. My husband had a great idea when our kids' first got their licenses. He made the deal with them that if they drove for us as much as they drove for themselves, they didn't have to pay for gasoline. We got asked a lot if we needed anything from the store or if younger siblings needed rides anywhere.
Month 11: Serving Others. The Wyma children worked on keeping their eyes open to the needs of those around them. They served others anonymously when possible.
Month 12: Minding Your Manners. Manners are a simple way of reminding ourselves to think of others' needs before our own.
Of course, as we are talking about kids doing chores and learning these life skills, the most important thing to remember is that we can send our kids a very wrong message about themselves. When we hover, race in to save them, arrange their success, or redo a chore after they have done it incorrectly, we send a very clear message to them. That message is, "I will do it for you because you can't." Wyma reminds us that the better message to send is, "I believe in you and am going to prove it by putting you to work." Sometimes we may need to take some time to explain or reteach, but it is worth it in the long run.
There are so many benefits to our kids working at home. They realize that they have an important place in the family. They learn to think of others' needs. They learn the life skills that they will need one day. It makes our load lighter as moms. Who know? Perhaps it will even save them some fights that first year of marriage.
Thursday, January 31, 2019
Raising Arrows, Not Aprons: Am I Raising a Child Who Knows the Lord?
The material from this is largely taken from Todd Friel's Reset for Parents.
What are our responsibilities as Christian parents? What role do we play in the salvation of our children? Todd Friel takes on these questions in his book Reset for Parents. He beseeches us to remember that every Christian is a convert; no one is born a Christian. We must also remember that we are not able to save our children, but we can and should pray for their salvation and to teach them in such a way as to make the gospel attractive to them.
Four goals for our interactions with our children:
1) Our words, actions, tone, and expressions would lead them to love and fear God more
2) Our words, actions, tone, and expressions would encourage them that we are fellow sinners who understand both their struggles and their feelings when they fall
3) Our words, actions, tone, and expressions would build, not tear down, our relationships with our children
4) We would model for our children humility, love for God and others, and reliance on God and the Scriptures.
These goals are enough to be getting on with. Which of us are not aware of our failures in these? It is a constant struggle not to let our own anger, frustrations, and disappointments surface when we are correcting and training our children. But it is a worthwhile struggle, and with prayer and Biblical learning, we can grow in godliness in our parenting.
In addition to considering how we parent, we must also consider what we are teaching our children about God. There are some crucial things for our children to understand about God before we send them out into the post-modern culture in which we live.
1) God and the Law
God is holy and just. He will judge and punish all who fail to keep the law perfectly. It is not enough to be a "good" person. God's standard is 100% obedience to the 10 commandments, which, as Jesus taught us, include not just our actions, but also the desires of our hearts. Understanding our failure to keep the law helps us to see our need for the gospel.
2) The Gospel
The message of the gospel is that even though we are lawbreakers, we are not without hope. God himself, in the second person of the Trinity, came to save us. He perfectly kept the law, and then bore the punishment for our sins on the cross. In doing this, Jesus saved us from the wrath of God (justification) and from our enslavement to our sinful passions (sanctification). Justification is a one-time event by which we are declared "not guilty" in God's court. Salvation is a life-long process by which we become more like Christ as we learn through the scriptures who God is and what He desires our lives to be. Salvation cannot be earned by good works, but good works are evidence of it.
3) The Character of God
If your children have not already been asked, they will be one day, "If God is all-good and all-powerful, why do evil things happen?" Are they ready for that question? Do they know that God is not only good and omnipotent, but also loving, holy, just, long-suffering, patient, kind, generous...? Our kids need to have a foundational knowledge of who God is, and how to discover Him through the scriptures.
4) The Character of Man
Do your children understand that understand that we are each self-centered and slaves to our desires? Do they understand, along with Paul, that they actually will have to battle against their natural desires? There is a common idea in our culture that people are basically good and will do good if just given the right environment. That idea is in direct contradiction to everything in the Bible.
5) Sin
Do your children understand that there is such a thing as sin? Do they know what specific attitudes, words, and actions are sinful, according to Biblical standards? Also, do your children understand that sin is not an "if," but a "when?"
6) Who is Jesus?
Many people believe that Jesus was a good teacher, but that He never claimed to be God. Do your children know that this is untrue? Do your children understand the scriptures in which Jesus claimed to be God?
7) Life is hard and it is not fair.
Bad things are going to happen in our lives. Sometimes these things happen because we have made poor or sinful decisions. But sometimes things that seem bad to us, with our limited perspective, are actually things that drive us closer to God and make us more holy. Are our kids prepared to trust God and turn to Him when things happen in their lives that they don't understand or don't like?
8) How to see God's will for decision-making
Pray for God's wisdom. Read every Bible verse that speaks to the subject. Seek godly counsel from elders who know you well. Consider your preferences. Move forward in peace.
9) For Teens:
If you teens do not have a desire to grow in godliness, to know the Lord better, to be a mature Christian, to serve others; if their only desire is to please themselves, then they may not actually be Christians. It is at least worth a conversation with them if you see no desire for/evidence of spiritual growth in their lives.
What are our responsibilities as Christian parents? What role do we play in the salvation of our children? Todd Friel takes on these questions in his book Reset for Parents. He beseeches us to remember that every Christian is a convert; no one is born a Christian. We must also remember that we are not able to save our children, but we can and should pray for their salvation and to teach them in such a way as to make the gospel attractive to them.
Four goals for our interactions with our children:
1) Our words, actions, tone, and expressions would lead them to love and fear God more
2) Our words, actions, tone, and expressions would encourage them that we are fellow sinners who understand both their struggles and their feelings when they fall
3) Our words, actions, tone, and expressions would build, not tear down, our relationships with our children
4) We would model for our children humility, love for God and others, and reliance on God and the Scriptures.
These goals are enough to be getting on with. Which of us are not aware of our failures in these? It is a constant struggle not to let our own anger, frustrations, and disappointments surface when we are correcting and training our children. But it is a worthwhile struggle, and with prayer and Biblical learning, we can grow in godliness in our parenting.
In addition to considering how we parent, we must also consider what we are teaching our children about God. There are some crucial things for our children to understand about God before we send them out into the post-modern culture in which we live.
1) God and the Law
God is holy and just. He will judge and punish all who fail to keep the law perfectly. It is not enough to be a "good" person. God's standard is 100% obedience to the 10 commandments, which, as Jesus taught us, include not just our actions, but also the desires of our hearts. Understanding our failure to keep the law helps us to see our need for the gospel.
2) The Gospel
The message of the gospel is that even though we are lawbreakers, we are not without hope. God himself, in the second person of the Trinity, came to save us. He perfectly kept the law, and then bore the punishment for our sins on the cross. In doing this, Jesus saved us from the wrath of God (justification) and from our enslavement to our sinful passions (sanctification). Justification is a one-time event by which we are declared "not guilty" in God's court. Salvation is a life-long process by which we become more like Christ as we learn through the scriptures who God is and what He desires our lives to be. Salvation cannot be earned by good works, but good works are evidence of it.
3) The Character of God
If your children have not already been asked, they will be one day, "If God is all-good and all-powerful, why do evil things happen?" Are they ready for that question? Do they know that God is not only good and omnipotent, but also loving, holy, just, long-suffering, patient, kind, generous...? Our kids need to have a foundational knowledge of who God is, and how to discover Him through the scriptures.
4) The Character of Man
Do your children understand that understand that we are each self-centered and slaves to our desires? Do they understand, along with Paul, that they actually will have to battle against their natural desires? There is a common idea in our culture that people are basically good and will do good if just given the right environment. That idea is in direct contradiction to everything in the Bible.
5) Sin
Do your children understand that there is such a thing as sin? Do they know what specific attitudes, words, and actions are sinful, according to Biblical standards? Also, do your children understand that sin is not an "if," but a "when?"
6) Who is Jesus?
Many people believe that Jesus was a good teacher, but that He never claimed to be God. Do your children know that this is untrue? Do your children understand the scriptures in which Jesus claimed to be God?
7) Life is hard and it is not fair.
Bad things are going to happen in our lives. Sometimes these things happen because we have made poor or sinful decisions. But sometimes things that seem bad to us, with our limited perspective, are actually things that drive us closer to God and make us more holy. Are our kids prepared to trust God and turn to Him when things happen in their lives that they don't understand or don't like?
8) How to see God's will for decision-making
Pray for God's wisdom. Read every Bible verse that speaks to the subject. Seek godly counsel from elders who know you well. Consider your preferences. Move forward in peace.
9) For Teens:
If you teens do not have a desire to grow in godliness, to know the Lord better, to be a mature Christian, to serve others; if their only desire is to please themselves, then they may not actually be Christians. It is at least worth a conversation with them if you see no desire for/evidence of spiritual growth in their lives.
Friday, January 25, 2019
Raising Arrows, Not Aprons: What do our Children Need from Us?
This was the topic of both our November and January meetings. We covered so much information that instead of trying to write about it in two large posts, I am going to try to post a little of the information each week until I get through it all.
The premise of this topic is based on Psalm 127:3-5, Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from Him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies at the gate.
In moving forward, then, we need to remember three things. First, children are a gift from God, a blessing. Secondly, they need to be prepared for the battles they will face. Third, this preparation keeps them from being put to shame when they contend with the many "enemies" they will face in adulthood. (I am referring to these more figuratively -- temptations, poor decision-making, and the host of other issues our young adults face.) Unfortunately, we often tend not to prepare our children to be sent out as arrows, but instead (often without thought), parent in ways that encourage them to become more dependent on us, thus tying them to ourselves as aprons.
So what do our children need from us? The things they need from us are so difficult to give them, especially when they are trying our patience. I am going to give these in list form, so that, if you feel that there is one that you really want to focus on, you can pick it out easily. None of us are doing all these things, or even half of them, well. But each of us can choose one to work to improve on.
Unconditional love and respect. (Moms, if you are not showing your sons respect, I encourage you to check out the book, Mothers and Sons: The Respect Effect. Just as love is not something we give our children only if they "deserve" it, so respect is also to be unconditionally given, and this is often not intuitive for moms.) Do your kids know you love and respect them as people even when they fail? Even when they sin in a big way and the whole church finds out about it? God loves and respects you this way.
Edification. Let nothing come out of your mouths that is not helpful for building your children up according to their needs (Eph. 4:29). I don't think this needs further explanation.
Belonging. Our children need to know their important role within our family. This is built by working, serving, and playing together. It is build by listening to, supporting, and encouraging one another.
The building of competence. Let them push the boundaries of what they are able to do. (A couple of weeks ago, I asked my teenage son to remove the lint trap and clean out the lint that had gotten underneath it. I went into the basement a while later to find the front of my dryer completely removed. Yes, that job was more involved than either of us expected, but I just thanked him and went back upstairs.) Give them responsibilities around the house and do not redo the chores if they are done poorly. (Either reteach or make the child redo if needed)
Trustworthiness. Don't share their secret dreams and struggles that they entrust to you. (Ouch! This is the one I will be focusing on.)
Vision. What kind of characteristics do you want your children to have when they become adults? Share this vision with them. Let them know why those things are important, and that you are committed to building them within your child, even if the cost is high to you. (For example, if doing a job well, even if no one is watching, is important to you -- are you willing to stay the course during your child's tantrum when you tell her she has to clean the bathroom again because it has not been done properly the first time?)
Allowing them to make bad decisions, especially as they get older. Let them spend their money frivolously (but don't give them more when they run out). Let them put off an assignment until the night before it is due and get a bad grade on it in co-op. Our kids need to learn how to make decisions when the costs are relatively small, rather than not knowing how to make decisions until they leave our homes when the costs are much higher.
I know these things are so hard. I have three teens now, and as I type this, I think of all the ways that I have not done these things and how much time I have lost. However, when I have succeeded it is because I have had in mind the adults that I want my children to be and have allowed that vision to motivate me in my parenting today. It also helps immensely to know that God loves my children more than I do, that He has prepared good works for them to do, and that I can trust Him that the difficulties He brings into their lives will ultimately make them more Christlike. Honestly, the times that I have grown most in my life have been the times of difficulty, not the times of ease. While my tendency is to "pave the way" for my kids, I realize that I need to stop that because I don't want to steal from them those times of growth. I want to raise arrows, and hard times are a part of that.
Next week: Am I Raising a Child Who Knows the Lord?
The premise of this topic is based on Psalm 127:3-5, Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from Him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies at the gate.
In moving forward, then, we need to remember three things. First, children are a gift from God, a blessing. Secondly, they need to be prepared for the battles they will face. Third, this preparation keeps them from being put to shame when they contend with the many "enemies" they will face in adulthood. (I am referring to these more figuratively -- temptations, poor decision-making, and the host of other issues our young adults face.) Unfortunately, we often tend not to prepare our children to be sent out as arrows, but instead (often without thought), parent in ways that encourage them to become more dependent on us, thus tying them to ourselves as aprons.
So what do our children need from us? The things they need from us are so difficult to give them, especially when they are trying our patience. I am going to give these in list form, so that, if you feel that there is one that you really want to focus on, you can pick it out easily. None of us are doing all these things, or even half of them, well. But each of us can choose one to work to improve on.
Unconditional love and respect. (Moms, if you are not showing your sons respect, I encourage you to check out the book, Mothers and Sons: The Respect Effect. Just as love is not something we give our children only if they "deserve" it, so respect is also to be unconditionally given, and this is often not intuitive for moms.) Do your kids know you love and respect them as people even when they fail? Even when they sin in a big way and the whole church finds out about it? God loves and respects you this way.
Edification. Let nothing come out of your mouths that is not helpful for building your children up according to their needs (Eph. 4:29). I don't think this needs further explanation.
Belonging. Our children need to know their important role within our family. This is built by working, serving, and playing together. It is build by listening to, supporting, and encouraging one another.
The building of competence. Let them push the boundaries of what they are able to do. (A couple of weeks ago, I asked my teenage son to remove the lint trap and clean out the lint that had gotten underneath it. I went into the basement a while later to find the front of my dryer completely removed. Yes, that job was more involved than either of us expected, but I just thanked him and went back upstairs.) Give them responsibilities around the house and do not redo the chores if they are done poorly. (Either reteach or make the child redo if needed)
Trustworthiness. Don't share their secret dreams and struggles that they entrust to you. (Ouch! This is the one I will be focusing on.)
Vision. What kind of characteristics do you want your children to have when they become adults? Share this vision with them. Let them know why those things are important, and that you are committed to building them within your child, even if the cost is high to you. (For example, if doing a job well, even if no one is watching, is important to you -- are you willing to stay the course during your child's tantrum when you tell her she has to clean the bathroom again because it has not been done properly the first time?)
Allowing them to make bad decisions, especially as they get older. Let them spend their money frivolously (but don't give them more when they run out). Let them put off an assignment until the night before it is due and get a bad grade on it in co-op. Our kids need to learn how to make decisions when the costs are relatively small, rather than not knowing how to make decisions until they leave our homes when the costs are much higher.
I know these things are so hard. I have three teens now, and as I type this, I think of all the ways that I have not done these things and how much time I have lost. However, when I have succeeded it is because I have had in mind the adults that I want my children to be and have allowed that vision to motivate me in my parenting today. It also helps immensely to know that God loves my children more than I do, that He has prepared good works for them to do, and that I can trust Him that the difficulties He brings into their lives will ultimately make them more Christlike. Honestly, the times that I have grown most in my life have been the times of difficulty, not the times of ease. While my tendency is to "pave the way" for my kids, I realize that I need to stop that because I don't want to steal from them those times of growth. I want to raise arrows, and hard times are a part of that.
Next week: Am I Raising a Child Who Knows the Lord?
Wednesday, November 7, 2018
September 11 Meeting: Shopping for Time
So many homeschooling moms are questioning, "How can I be more organized?" I have asked that question repeatedly over the years as I sought ways to get everything done in the limited amount of time that I seemed to have each day.
As I read Carolyn Mahaney's book, Shopping for Time, however, I realized there was a better question to be asking. It is, "What is the best way I can be spending my time right now?" Mahaney encourages us to consider the limited resource of our time similarly to how we consider the limited resource of our money. Being thoughtful and prayerful, we consider the "prime deals" for the current season of our lives.
First, we need to do some strategic planning. We thoughtfully and prayerfully think about one or two things we can do to grow in godliness. Then one or two things we can do to love our families better. Add a couple of prime ways to serve in our churches, fellowship with other Christian ladies, evangelize, attend to our work (homeschool), and care for our physical bodies. With Bible in hand, evaluate how we are doing in each of these categories. What is going well and what needs to change?
Of all these things that we have listed, we choose just a couple that we are going to truly focus on, and develop action items for each. For example, if you have toddlers, top of your list might be attending to your work (child training) and caring for your physical body -- because those are two areas in which the time spent now will pay off the greatest benefits in coming years. So you develop an action item or two for those two areas and let the others go until you reevaluate the seven categories again next year.
Another area on which we need to focus is relationships. First, it is important not to thoughtlessly allow others to drift into and out of our lives. Mahaney urges us to be mindful of our relationships. She encourages us to evaluate if we are spending too much time on relationships that should not be receiving so much of our energy (For me, these are the people on Facebook), and also to evaluate if there are some relationships that should be receiving more of our time and attention. She encourages us to consider our friendships. Are we friends with someone who tempts us to sin through gossip or idleness? Perhaps the time with that person should be cut back. Are we friends with someone to stirs us up to good deeds and to deeper faith? Perhaps we should make an effort to spend more time with that person. (Maybe she can meet us for regular walks and we can work on both our physical health and our friendship simultaneously!)
Beginning the day with fifteen minutes of setting priorities can be very helpful. Since reading this book, I have realized how much happier I am with my accomplishments at the end of the day if I have taken those brief minutes to prioritize at the beginning of the day.
Also, while this was not mentioned in Mahaney's book, we also briefly touched on limiting our "technology" time. One way to do this is to keep technology use to the periphery of the day (at morning or night). Limiting both the amount of time that you are on it and the number of times you check it throughout the day is crucial to keeping technology use from becoming a hindrance to accomplishing your goals. We have a limited amount of time and attention to give to events during our day, so let's choose wisely how we will spend them.
Friday, July 27, 2018
What are our Kids Entitled To?
I've just started a new book -- Kristen Welch's Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World. In it (well, at least in the first chapter, which is all I've gotten to), Welch encourages us to think about how we drive entitlement in our children because we never really consider exactly what our children are innately entitled to. They are not entitled to cars or new clothes or college or cell phones or...
They are entitled to one thing, though, according to Welch. They are entitled to our unconditional love. I agree. Our children are entitled to our unconditional love.
However, I would argue that there are at least two more things that they are entitled to. First is our thoughtful consideration of what they need from us in order to be able to live life successfully on their own. Second is the of teaching those things that we have identified.
Have you thought about what your child needs in order to be a successful adult? I mean, actually taken time, maybe multiple times over the years, to consider what your child needs to learn in order to live on his own in just a few years? Have you made a list? Have you thought about what you can teach your child this year to take her further down that road to independence? I am considering household tasks, such as laundry, bathroom and kitchen cleaning, cooking, lawn mowing, gutter cleaning, and the like. I am considering academic tasks, such as writing a paragraph and the basic math needed for life. I am considering relational tasks, such as reaching out to a new person in a group, understanding when someone needs to be left alone or needs a listening ear, and having a disagreement without destroying a friendship. I am considering spiritual tasks, like regular prayer, knowing the Bible well enough to not be misled by false doctrine, the practice of self-control, really hearing sermons, and applying all these to daily life. I am considering life skills, such as care for an automobile, being able to manage a calendar, saying "no" to lesser things in order to devote time to the more important, and volunteering in the community.
There are countless other things that may make your list if you think about it. I want to exhort you and myself, too. Sometimes we get so consumed by providing good activities for our kids that our lives quickly become absorbed by driving to and from practices, lessons, and play dates. Carving out quiet time to think about what our kids really need doesn't seem to be a priority. Cutting good things out of our schedules to hopes of having time for the better seems risky. It is counter-cultural to do these things. It is difficult to do these things.
I would make the argument that it is necessary to do these things, and that we owe it to our kids to do so. This year, we will have two meetings about "Raising Arrows, Not Aprons." We will be talking about the things that our children need from us in order to go out into the world successfully. If you are anything like me, you try to smooth the way for your kids, at least in the areas of life where you can. I am beginning to realize that the more I do that, the more I am tying my children to me (like an apron), making them dependent on me to help them through even the minor difficulties of life. I invite you to join me on this journey of considering what we, as parents, can do to equip our children to be sent out like arrows after these brief years in our homes. It is one of the few things that they are actually entitled to.
They are entitled to one thing, though, according to Welch. They are entitled to our unconditional love. I agree. Our children are entitled to our unconditional love.
However, I would argue that there are at least two more things that they are entitled to. First is our thoughtful consideration of what they need from us in order to be able to live life successfully on their own. Second is the of teaching those things that we have identified.
Have you thought about what your child needs in order to be a successful adult? I mean, actually taken time, maybe multiple times over the years, to consider what your child needs to learn in order to live on his own in just a few years? Have you made a list? Have you thought about what you can teach your child this year to take her further down that road to independence? I am considering household tasks, such as laundry, bathroom and kitchen cleaning, cooking, lawn mowing, gutter cleaning, and the like. I am considering academic tasks, such as writing a paragraph and the basic math needed for life. I am considering relational tasks, such as reaching out to a new person in a group, understanding when someone needs to be left alone or needs a listening ear, and having a disagreement without destroying a friendship. I am considering spiritual tasks, like regular prayer, knowing the Bible well enough to not be misled by false doctrine, the practice of self-control, really hearing sermons, and applying all these to daily life. I am considering life skills, such as care for an automobile, being able to manage a calendar, saying "no" to lesser things in order to devote time to the more important, and volunteering in the community.
There are countless other things that may make your list if you think about it. I want to exhort you and myself, too. Sometimes we get so consumed by providing good activities for our kids that our lives quickly become absorbed by driving to and from practices, lessons, and play dates. Carving out quiet time to think about what our kids really need doesn't seem to be a priority. Cutting good things out of our schedules to hopes of having time for the better seems risky. It is counter-cultural to do these things. It is difficult to do these things.
I would make the argument that it is necessary to do these things, and that we owe it to our kids to do so. This year, we will have two meetings about "Raising Arrows, Not Aprons." We will be talking about the things that our children need from us in order to go out into the world successfully. If you are anything like me, you try to smooth the way for your kids, at least in the areas of life where you can. I am beginning to realize that the more I do that, the more I am tying my children to me (like an apron), making them dependent on me to help them through even the minor difficulties of life. I invite you to join me on this journey of considering what we, as parents, can do to equip our children to be sent out like arrows after these brief years in our homes. It is one of the few things that they are actually entitled to.
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
You are Not Alone
This weekend, I was at the Teach Them Diligently Conference in Columbus. Conventions are a great time to be encouraged and refreshed, and TTD even more so, as it focuses so much on equipping us to disciple our children. While there, I learned of Anthony Bourdain's tragic suicide, and have continued to see articles discussing the loneliness that seems so prevalent in our culture.
I am on lots of facebook homeschooling pages. I see moms ask so many questions that used to be asked face-to-face at support group meetings, church, or co-op. I see moms reaching out for help and answers. It is a wonderful thing to be able to ask questions about learning difficulties and curricula from such a wide audience -- certainly these moms get a much more diverse answer than what they would get face-to-face.
However, facebook groups can't offer hugs to the mom who is struggling with a wayward teen, an exasperating tween, a younger child who just doesn't get it, or preschoolers who are exhausting day in and day out. Facebook groups can't offer hospitality to the mom who needs an hour or two of adult conversation with a fellow mom throughout the day. Facebook groups don't bring meals to a mom who has just had a baby or a death in the family. Facebook groups can't heal loneliness.
Don't be deceived. You may not need them now, but someday those tangible, physical acts will be something you desperately need. Today, someone in your area may need you to be the one to offer those things. Please, wherever you are, find a local support group, for your own sake and in order to support and encourage other moms. Homeschooling is not a road we should try to walk alone.
I welcome you to NDCHEA. We meet during the school year on the second Tuesday of the month at 7 p.m. at Perkins in Englewood. There is no reason for you to be lonely in the Dayton area.
I am on lots of facebook homeschooling pages. I see moms ask so many questions that used to be asked face-to-face at support group meetings, church, or co-op. I see moms reaching out for help and answers. It is a wonderful thing to be able to ask questions about learning difficulties and curricula from such a wide audience -- certainly these moms get a much more diverse answer than what they would get face-to-face.
However, facebook groups can't offer hugs to the mom who is struggling with a wayward teen, an exasperating tween, a younger child who just doesn't get it, or preschoolers who are exhausting day in and day out. Facebook groups can't offer hospitality to the mom who needs an hour or two of adult conversation with a fellow mom throughout the day. Facebook groups don't bring meals to a mom who has just had a baby or a death in the family. Facebook groups can't heal loneliness.
Don't be deceived. You may not need them now, but someday those tangible, physical acts will be something you desperately need. Today, someone in your area may need you to be the one to offer those things. Please, wherever you are, find a local support group, for your own sake and in order to support and encourage other moms. Homeschooling is not a road we should try to walk alone.
I welcome you to NDCHEA. We meet during the school year on the second Tuesday of the month at 7 p.m. at Perkins in Englewood. There is no reason for you to be lonely in the Dayton area.
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