September 11 Meeting: Shopping for Time

So many homeschooling moms are questioning, "How can I be more organized?"  I have asked that question repeatedly over the years as I sought ways to get everything done in the limited amount of time that I seemed to have each day.

As I read Carolyn Mahaney's book, Shopping for Time, however, I realized there was a better question to be asking.  It is, "What is the best way I can be spending my time right now?"  Mahaney encourages us to consider the limited resource of our time similarly to how we consider the limited resource of our money.  Being thoughtful and prayerful, we consider the "prime deals" for the current season of our lives.

First, we need to do some strategic planning.  We thoughtfully and prayerfully think about one or two things we can do to grow in godliness.  Then one or two things we can do to love our families better.  Add a couple of prime ways to serve in our churches, fellowship with other Christian ladies, evangelize, attend to our work (homeschool), and care for our physical bodies.  With Bible in hand, evaluate how we are doing in each of these categories.  What is going well and what needs to change?  

Of all these things that we have listed, we choose just a couple that we are going to truly focus on, and develop  action items for each.  For example, if you have toddlers, top of your list might be attending to your work (child training) and caring for your physical body -- because those are two areas in which the time spent now will pay off the greatest benefits in coming years.  So you develop an action item or two for those two areas and let the others go until you reevaluate the seven categories again next year.

Another area on which we need to focus is relationships.  First, it is important not to thoughtlessly allow others to drift into and out of our lives.  Mahaney urges us to be mindful of our relationships.  She encourages us to evaluate if we are spending too much time on relationships that should not be receiving so much of our energy (For me, these are the people on Facebook), and also to evaluate if there are some relationships that should be receiving more of our time and attention.  She encourages us to consider our friendships.  Are we friends with someone who tempts us to sin through gossip or idleness?  Perhaps the time with that person should be cut back.  Are we friends with someone to stirs us up to good deeds and to deeper faith?  Perhaps we should make an effort to spend more time with that person.  (Maybe she can meet us for regular walks and we can work on both our physical health and our friendship simultaneously!)

Beginning the day with fifteen minutes of setting priorities can be very helpful.  Since reading this book, I have realized how much happier I am with my accomplishments at the end of the day if I have taken those brief minutes to prioritize at the beginning of the day.

Also, while this was not mentioned in Mahaney's book, we also briefly touched on limiting our "technology" time.  One way to do this is to keep technology use to the periphery of the day (at morning or night).  Limiting both the amount of time that you are on it and the number of times you check it throughout the day is crucial to keeping technology use from becoming a hindrance to accomplishing your goals.  We have a limited amount of time and attention to give to events during our day, so let's choose wisely how we will spend them.

What are our Kids Entitled To?

I've just started a new book -- Kristen Welch's Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World.  In it (well, at least in the first chapter, which is all I've gotten to), Welch encourages us to think about how we drive entitlement in our children because we never really consider exactly what our children are innately entitled to.  They are not entitled to cars or new clothes or college or cell phones or...

They are entitled to one thing, though, according to Welch.  They are entitled to our unconditional love.  I agree.  Our children are entitled to our unconditional love.

However, I would argue that there are at least two more things that they are entitled to.  First is our thoughtful consideration of what they need from us in order to be able to live life successfully on their own.  Second is the of teaching those things that we have identified. 

Have you thought about what your child needs in order to be a successful adult?  I mean, actually taken time, maybe multiple times over the years, to consider what your child needs to learn in order to live on his own in just a few years?  Have you made a list?  Have you thought about what you can teach your child this year to take her further down that road to independence?  I am considering household tasks, such as laundry, bathroom and kitchen cleaning, cooking, lawn mowing, gutter cleaning, and the like.  I am considering academic tasks, such as writing a paragraph and the basic math needed for life.  I am considering relational tasks, such as reaching out to a new person in a group, understanding when someone needs to be left alone or needs a listening ear, and having a disagreement without destroying a friendship.  I am considering spiritual tasks, like regular prayer, knowing the Bible well enough to not be misled by false doctrine, the practice of self-control, really hearing sermons, and applying all these to daily life.  I am considering life skills, such as care for an automobile, being able to manage a calendar, saying "no" to lesser things in order to devote time to the more important, and volunteering in the community. 

There are countless other things that may make your list if you think about it.  I want to exhort you and myself, too.  Sometimes we get so consumed by providing good activities for our kids that our lives quickly become absorbed by driving to and from practices, lessons, and play dates.  Carving out quiet time to think about what our kids really need doesn't seem to be a priority.  Cutting good things out of our schedules to hopes of having time for the better seems risky.  It is counter-cultural to do these things.  It is difficult to do these things. 

I would make the argument that it is necessary to do these things, and that we owe it to our kids to do so.  This year, we will have two meetings about "Raising Arrows, Not Aprons."  We will be talking about the things that our children need from us in order to go out into the world successfully.  If you are anything like me, you try to smooth the way for your kids, at least in the areas of life where you can.  I am beginning to realize that the more I do that, the more I am tying my children to me (like an apron), making them dependent on me to help them through even the minor difficulties of life.  I invite you to join me on this journey of considering what we, as parents, can do to equip our children to be sent out like arrows after these brief years in our homes.  It is one of the few things that they are actually entitled to. 

You are Not Alone

This weekend, I was at the Teach Them Diligently Conference in Columbus.  Conventions are a great time to be encouraged and refreshed, and TTD even more so, as it focuses so much on equipping us to disciple our children.  While there, I learned of Anthony Bourdain's tragic suicide, and have continued to see articles discussing the loneliness that seems so prevalent in our culture.

I am on lots of facebook homeschooling pages.  I see moms ask so many questions that used to be asked face-to-face at support group meetings, church, or co-op.  I see moms reaching out for help and answers.  It is a wonderful thing to be able to ask questions about learning difficulties and curricula from such a wide audience -- certainly these moms get a much more diverse answer than what they would get face-to-face.

However, facebook groups can't offer hugs to the mom who is struggling with a wayward teen, an exasperating tween, a younger child who just doesn't get it, or preschoolers who are exhausting day in and day out.  Facebook groups can't offer hospitality to the mom who needs an hour or two of adult conversation with a fellow mom throughout the day.  Facebook groups don't bring meals to a mom who has just had a baby or a death in the family.  Facebook groups can't heal loneliness. 

Don't be deceived.  You may not need them now, but someday those tangible, physical acts will be something you desperately need.  Today, someone in your area may need you to be the one to offer those things.  Please, wherever you are, find a local support group, for your own sake and in order to support and encourage other moms.  Homeschooling is not a road we should try to walk alone. 

I welcome you to NDCHEA.  We meet during the school year on the second Tuesday of the month at 7 p.m. at Perkins in Englewood.  There is no reason for you to be lonely in the Dayton area. 

Opportunities to Fail

While at the gym last week, I noticed a sign:  "Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn."  As homeschoolers, do we really welcome lack of success in an endeavor as a learning opportunity?

Jessica Lahey, in her book The Gift of Failure, challenges us to allow our kids to fail and to use it as an opportunity for their learning.  When we reflect honestly on our own lives, we realize that the times we have grown most spiritually, emotionally, or academically are the difficult times, the times in which we have been challenged.  Yet many of us also try to protect our kids from those same opportunities for growth. 

So what can we do to overcome this fear of failure in ourselves and our children?  Lahey has several suggestions:
1) Give praise when your children demonstrate perseverance in the face of a difficult task, when they try something new.  This promotes a growth mentality -- that everyone can improve in a given area with effort and practice.  Do not praise their intelligence or ability.  This promotes a fixed mentality -- that intelligence and talent are innate and unchanging. 

2)  Teach that trying and failing are part of the learning process.  Model this by trying new things yourself.  (From experience, I can tell you that the failures that come from trying new cooking methods or recipes in the kitchen will bring laughter for years to come!)

3) Do give your children chores around the house -- even the youngest can do something.  Don't go around after them and correct their mistakes.  Either reteach or let it go.  Otherwise, you send the message that they can't do it and that you will always be there to fix it for them.

4) Do not swoop in to fix tiffs with their friends or siblings, either.  Peers give great natural consequences for inappropriate social behavior, and these are opportunities for our children to learn personal limits, empathy, interpersonal skills, communication skills, etc.  When your child is excluded, do not intervene.  Remember that making, keeping, and deciding when to part with friends is a valuable part of your child's education.  So intervene only when it is completely necessary.

5) In education, grades are not a good intrinsic motivator, so (as many homeschoolers are already doing) try to focus on a love of learning and independent inquiry.  If there are problems to be solved, allow your child ample time to try to figure out a solution himself before jumping in to help.  While expectations must be made clear, allow your child as much autonomy as possible in deciding when, where, and how to complete her schoolwork. 

6)  If your child has other teachers, remember that you and she are on the same side.  If your child has an issue with grading, assignments, etc., encourage your child to take it up with the teacher.  Don't get involved unless absolutely necessary.  Remember that the real world is full of rules that we don't agree with but must abide by, as well as demanding bosses that are poor communicators.  What a great opportunity for your child to learn how to get along in these situations now. 

7) Allow your child to develop "executive function" skills, such as time management, keeping a schedule, and attention to detail.  Oh, how I have failed at this, especially by not enforcing deadlines.  So now I have a junior in high school and a freshman in college who are trying to learn these skills late in the game.  If you have a child in middle school, hand these "chores" over to them as much as possible so that they can learn these skills early. 

8)  Be calm.  If your child fails at something it does not mean you are a bad parent or that you have failed at schooling him.  Remember that it is just an opportunity to improve in another area of life. 

9)  Here is a quick checklist to see the difference between parents who are trying to control their children and parents who are trying to guide their children toward successful independence. 

Controlling Parents	Independence-Supporting Parents
Give lots of unsolicited advice/directions in order to prevent mistakes	Understand importance of allowing child to make mistakes so she can learn from them Offer unsolicited guidance only when child is really stuck and at big learning moments
Take over tasks so that they are done the “right” way	Remember that the goal is for the child to learn to do it herself, not to get the task done
Offer rewards for common behaviors	Use rewards sparingly
Provide solutions to problems before child has really struggled	Give child time and silence to think Value mistakes and find lessons in failures
Don’t let child make her own decisions	Recognizes that ownership of the activity is more important than which activity is chosen. Recognizes the importance of opportunities to practice decision-making, even if parent disagrees with the decision made.
Nag, nitpick, hover, direct	Set limits, but allows autonomy within those limits. Hold kids accountable for end result. Are available if child needs them.
	Support child’s efforts. Give feedback that acknowledges child’s feelings of disappointment/frustration. Guide child toward seeing her mistakes. Model learning from their own failures and changing strategy. Seek “Desirable Difficulties” for their children – where the stakes are low and potential for growth is high. Do not rescue child from the consequences of his mistakes/choices. Ask themselves, “What am I doing for my children that they can/should be doing for themselves?”

Meeting Change for Nov. 14

Our meeting tonight, November 14, 2017, will be held at Panera in Englewood, as Perkins is closed for remodeling.

First Fellowship meeting 2017-2018

We had a great fellowship meeting last night!  It was so good to see friends after a summer off.

One of the questions that came up is, "When you are working with one child, how do you deal with your other children needing your attention at that same time?"

One mom shared an idea of setting time blocks allotted to each child.  For example, 9-11 is when she might work with her youngest, with the older children working independently until it is their time with mom.

We do something similar in our house.  I set 30 minute increments in which I am scheduled to do a specific subject with a specific child.  This year, from 9-9:30, I am scheduled to do math with my youngest; then from 9:30-10, Chemistry with my junior, etc.

In the three weeks since we have started school, we have probably done Chemistry at 9:30 possibly three times. However, this is not a problem at all.  If my Chemist needs me at a time when I am not working with his sister, I am glad to help him.  However, if my Chemist comes to me while I am working with her, I simply point to the schedule and say, "This is my time to work with your sister on her writing.  When I am done with that, I will be glad to help you."

No fights.  No having to make a spur of the moment decision about whom to help first.  The schedule is there.  We set it together at the beginning of the year, so there is nothing to get upset about.  (Not that that doesn't ever happen, but that is a story for another blog.)

November 8 meeting update

Due to some last minute complications, our meeting for tonight, November 8, will be a fellowship meeting.  We will have our Teach them Diligently Wrap-up at our December meeting.