This weekend, I was at the Teach Them Diligently Conference in Columbus. Conventions are a great time to be encouraged and refreshed, and TTD even more so, as it focuses so much on equipping us to disciple our children. While there, I learned of Anthony Bourdain's tragic suicide, and have continued to see articles discussing the loneliness that seems so prevalent in our culture.
I am on lots of facebook homeschooling pages. I see moms ask so many questions that used to be asked face-to-face at support group meetings, church, or co-op. I see moms reaching out for help and answers. It is a wonderful thing to be able to ask questions about learning difficulties and curricula from such a wide audience -- certainly these moms get a much more diverse answer than what they would get face-to-face.
However, facebook groups can't offer hugs to the mom who is struggling with a wayward teen, an exasperating tween, a younger child who just doesn't get it, or preschoolers who are exhausting day in and day out. Facebook groups can't offer hospitality to the mom who needs an hour or two of adult conversation with a fellow mom throughout the day. Facebook groups don't bring meals to a mom who has just had a baby or a death in the family. Facebook groups can't heal loneliness.
Don't be deceived. You may not need them now, but someday those tangible, physical acts will be something you desperately need. Today, someone in your area may need you to be the one to offer those things. Please, wherever you are, find a local support group, for your own sake and in order to support and encourage other moms. Homeschooling is not a road we should try to walk alone.
I welcome you to NDCHEA. We meet during the school year on the second Tuesday of the month at 7 p.m. at Perkins in Englewood. There is no reason for you to be lonely in the Dayton area.
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
Monday, December 11, 2017
Opportunities to Fail
While at the gym last week, I noticed a sign: "Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn." As homeschoolers, do we really welcome lack of success in an endeavor as a learning opportunity?
Jessica Lahey, in her book The Gift of Failure, challenges us to allow our kids to fail and to use it as an opportunity for their learning. When we reflect honestly on our own lives, we realize that the times we have grown most spiritually, emotionally, or academically are the difficult times, the times in which we have been challenged. Yet many of us also try to protect our kids from those same opportunities for growth.
So what can we do to overcome this fear of failure in ourselves and our children? Lahey has several suggestions:
1) Give praise when your children demonstrate perseverance in the face of a difficult task, when they try something new. This promotes a growth mentality -- that everyone can improve in a given area with effort and practice. Do not praise their intelligence or ability. This promotes a fixed mentality -- that intelligence and talent are innate and unchanging.
2) Teach that trying and failing are part of the learning process. Model this by trying new things yourself. (From experience, I can tell you that the failures that come from trying new cooking methods or recipes in the kitchen will bring laughter for years to come!)
3) Do give your children chores around the house -- even the youngest can do something. Don't go around after them and correct their mistakes. Either reteach or let it go. Otherwise, you send the message that they can't do it and that you will always be there to fix it for them.
4) Do not swoop in to fix tiffs with their friends or siblings, either. Peers give great natural consequences for inappropriate social behavior, and these are opportunities for our children to learn personal limits, empathy, interpersonal skills, communication skills, etc. When your child is excluded, do not intervene. Remember that making, keeping, and deciding when to part with friends is a valuable part of your child's education. So intervene only when it is completely necessary.
5) In education, grades are not a good intrinsic motivator, so (as many homeschoolers are already doing) try to focus on a love of learning and independent inquiry. If there are problems to be solved, allow your child ample time to try to figure out a solution himself before jumping in to help. While expectations must be made clear, allow your child as much autonomy as possible in deciding when, where, and how to complete her schoolwork.
6) If your child has other teachers, remember that you and she are on the same side. If your child has an issue with grading, assignments, etc., encourage your child to take it up with the teacher. Don't get involved unless absolutely necessary. Remember that the real world is full of rules that we don't agree with but must abide by, as well as demanding bosses that are poor communicators. What a great opportunity for your child to learn how to get along in these situations now.
7) Allow your child to develop "executive function" skills, such as time management, keeping a schedule, and attention to detail. Oh, how I have failed at this, especially by not enforcing deadlines. So now I have a junior in high school and a freshman in college who are trying to learn these skills late in the game. If you have a child in middle school, hand these "chores" over to them as much as possible so that they can learn these skills early.
8) Be calm. If your child fails at something it does not mean you are a bad parent or that you have failed at schooling him. Remember that it is just an opportunity to improve in another area of life.
9) Here is a quick checklist to see the difference between parents who are trying to control their children and parents who are trying to guide their children toward successful independence.
Jessica Lahey, in her book The Gift of Failure, challenges us to allow our kids to fail and to use it as an opportunity for their learning. When we reflect honestly on our own lives, we realize that the times we have grown most spiritually, emotionally, or academically are the difficult times, the times in which we have been challenged. Yet many of us also try to protect our kids from those same opportunities for growth.
So what can we do to overcome this fear of failure in ourselves and our children? Lahey has several suggestions:
1) Give praise when your children demonstrate perseverance in the face of a difficult task, when they try something new. This promotes a growth mentality -- that everyone can improve in a given area with effort and practice. Do not praise their intelligence or ability. This promotes a fixed mentality -- that intelligence and talent are innate and unchanging.
2) Teach that trying and failing are part of the learning process. Model this by trying new things yourself. (From experience, I can tell you that the failures that come from trying new cooking methods or recipes in the kitchen will bring laughter for years to come!)
3) Do give your children chores around the house -- even the youngest can do something. Don't go around after them and correct their mistakes. Either reteach or let it go. Otherwise, you send the message that they can't do it and that you will always be there to fix it for them.
4) Do not swoop in to fix tiffs with their friends or siblings, either. Peers give great natural consequences for inappropriate social behavior, and these are opportunities for our children to learn personal limits, empathy, interpersonal skills, communication skills, etc. When your child is excluded, do not intervene. Remember that making, keeping, and deciding when to part with friends is a valuable part of your child's education. So intervene only when it is completely necessary.
5) In education, grades are not a good intrinsic motivator, so (as many homeschoolers are already doing) try to focus on a love of learning and independent inquiry. If there are problems to be solved, allow your child ample time to try to figure out a solution himself before jumping in to help. While expectations must be made clear, allow your child as much autonomy as possible in deciding when, where, and how to complete her schoolwork.
6) If your child has other teachers, remember that you and she are on the same side. If your child has an issue with grading, assignments, etc., encourage your child to take it up with the teacher. Don't get involved unless absolutely necessary. Remember that the real world is full of rules that we don't agree with but must abide by, as well as demanding bosses that are poor communicators. What a great opportunity for your child to learn how to get along in these situations now.
7) Allow your child to develop "executive function" skills, such as time management, keeping a schedule, and attention to detail. Oh, how I have failed at this, especially by not enforcing deadlines. So now I have a junior in high school and a freshman in college who are trying to learn these skills late in the game. If you have a child in middle school, hand these "chores" over to them as much as possible so that they can learn these skills early.
8) Be calm. If your child fails at something it does not mean you are a bad parent or that you have failed at schooling him. Remember that it is just an opportunity to improve in another area of life.
9) Here is a quick checklist to see the difference between parents who are trying to control their children and parents who are trying to guide their children toward successful independence.
|
Controlling Parents
|
Independence-Supporting Parents
|
|
Give lots of unsolicited
advice/directions in order to prevent mistakes
|
Understand importance of
allowing child to make mistakes so she can learn from them
Offer unsolicited guidance only
when child is really stuck and at big learning moments
|
|
Take over tasks so that they
are done the “right” way
|
Remember that the goal is for
the child to learn to do it herself, not to get the task done
|
|
Offer rewards for common
behaviors
|
Use rewards sparingly
|
|
Provide solutions to problems
before child has really struggled
|
Give child time and silence to
think
Value mistakes and find lessons
in failures
|
|
Don’t let child make her own decisions
|
Recognizes that ownership of
the activity is more important than which activity is chosen.
Recognizes the importance of
opportunities to practice decision-making, even if parent disagrees with the
decision made.
|
|
Nag, nitpick, hover, direct
|
Set limits, but allows autonomy
within those limits.
Hold kids accountable for end
result.
Are available if child needs
them.
|
|
|
Support child’s efforts.
Give feedback that acknowledges
child’s feelings of disappointment/frustration.
Guide child toward seeing her
mistakes.
Model learning from their own
failures and changing strategy.
Seek “Desirable Difficulties”
for their children – where the stakes are low and potential for growth is
high.
Do not rescue child from the
consequences of his mistakes/choices.
Ask themselves, “What am I
doing for my children that they can/should be doing for themselves?”
|
Tuesday, November 14, 2017
Meeting Change for Nov. 14
Our meeting tonight, November 14, 2017, will be held at Panera in Englewood, as Perkins is closed for remodeling.
Friday, September 15, 2017
First Fellowship meeting 2017-2018
We had a great fellowship meeting last night! It was so good to see friends after a summer off.
One of the questions that came up is, "When you are working with one child, how do you deal with your other children needing your attention at that same time?"
One mom shared an idea of setting time blocks allotted to each child. For example, 9-11 is when she might work with her youngest, with the older children working independently until it is their time with mom.
We do something similar in our house. I set 30 minute increments in which I am scheduled to do a specific subject with a specific child. This year, from 9-9:30, I am scheduled to do math with my youngest; then from 9:30-10, Chemistry with my junior, etc.
In the three weeks since we have started school, we have probably done Chemistry at 9:30 possibly three times. However, this is not a problem at all. If my Chemist needs me at a time when I am not working with his sister, I am glad to help him. However, if my Chemist comes to me while I am working with her, I simply point to the schedule and say, "This is my time to work with your sister on her writing. When I am done with that, I will be glad to help you."
No fights. No having to make a spur of the moment decision about whom to help first. The schedule is there. We set it together at the beginning of the year, so there is nothing to get upset about. (Not that that doesn't ever happen, but that is a story for another blog.)
One of the questions that came up is, "When you are working with one child, how do you deal with your other children needing your attention at that same time?"
One mom shared an idea of setting time blocks allotted to each child. For example, 9-11 is when she might work with her youngest, with the older children working independently until it is their time with mom.
We do something similar in our house. I set 30 minute increments in which I am scheduled to do a specific subject with a specific child. This year, from 9-9:30, I am scheduled to do math with my youngest; then from 9:30-10, Chemistry with my junior, etc.
In the three weeks since we have started school, we have probably done Chemistry at 9:30 possibly three times. However, this is not a problem at all. If my Chemist needs me at a time when I am not working with his sister, I am glad to help him. However, if my Chemist comes to me while I am working with her, I simply point to the schedule and say, "This is my time to work with your sister on her writing. When I am done with that, I will be glad to help you."
No fights. No having to make a spur of the moment decision about whom to help first. The schedule is there. We set it together at the beginning of the year, so there is nothing to get upset about. (Not that that doesn't ever happen, but that is a story for another blog.)
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
November 8 meeting update
Due to some last minute complications, our meeting for tonight, November 8, will be a fellowship meeting. We will have our Teach them Diligently Wrap-up at our December meeting.
Monday, September 26, 2016
First meeting of 2016-2017: What Am I Doing?!
We had a great first meeting of this school year. Our topic was, "What am I doing?!" and we basically covered choosing what to do and what to let go in our homeschooling. Contrary to some teachers, who believe that if you just follow the steps they lay out, your parenting (or homeschooling) journey will be successful, I believe that homeschooling and parenting are most successful when they are personalized. So our meeting focused on several questions that we can ask ourselves in order to personalize our homeschooling and time priorities.
First, we asked, "Why is your family homeschooling right now?" We may want to have more time with our children, focusing on building up strong family relations with them and between siblings. We may want to focus on academics and providing a better education than what we had. We may want their education to be more Biblically based or more experiential or more age-appropriate than what the public schools offer. Our answers to this question can help us to determine which curriculum to use (if any), whether or not to join a co-op, how much time to spend on school each day, etcetera.
Secondly we asked, "How do you learn best? How does your child learn best?" This was a consideration of what time of day we learn best; the amount of light, space, noise, and clutter we can tolerate in our learning/work environment; if we like to be more or less scheduled; and if we are predominantly visual, auditory, or kinesthetic learners. After considering each of these for ourselves, we need to consider whether our children are the same as we are. If we don't know, we can start with our own preferences, but just be aware that we may need to change if we discover that our preferences aren't working for our child.
Next, we asked, "What do you hope to accomplish in your homeschooling?" This is a consideration of long-term goals. Whether our long-term goals include college preparation, character training, life-skills or business learning, strong family relationships, or a combination of some or all of these, there are things that we can teach our children now to set them further along the path toward these goals. As with the first question, this question can also help us to make decisions about homeschooling direction (curriculum and like decisions).
Similarly, we asked, "What life-skills do your kids need to know before they leave your home? What can they learn right now?" Nearly all children can be learning some life skill. A young child may not be able to do laundry or cook on his own, but he can fold washcloths and help you in the kitchen. Making it an activity that you do and enjoy together will also help shape his view of work as something that can be fun, or at the very least, can be done with a good attitude since it has to be done anyway.
Finally, we asked, "What are you willing to sacrifice for homeschooling?" Some of us are willing to sacrifice a clean home, others healthy meals. Some are us are not willing to sacrifice either, and so choose to have a less rigorous homeschooling program. All of us have things that we are not willing to "let go." We need to be aware of those things. Homeschooling does require us to sacrifice some things, and it is good to know our own limits. However, things that ought never be sacrificed for homeschooling are our relationships with God, our husbands, or our children. If we are sacrificing those things, we need to re-evaluate our priorities.
Thinking about each of these questions can really help shape our individual homeschools into places where our family's goals are well-thought out and achieved, where our children's individuality is honored and accepted, and where we know our own limits so that we can choose wisely when opportunities come to us.
First, we asked, "Why is your family homeschooling right now?" We may want to have more time with our children, focusing on building up strong family relations with them and between siblings. We may want to focus on academics and providing a better education than what we had. We may want their education to be more Biblically based or more experiential or more age-appropriate than what the public schools offer. Our answers to this question can help us to determine which curriculum to use (if any), whether or not to join a co-op, how much time to spend on school each day, etcetera.
Secondly we asked, "How do you learn best? How does your child learn best?" This was a consideration of what time of day we learn best; the amount of light, space, noise, and clutter we can tolerate in our learning/work environment; if we like to be more or less scheduled; and if we are predominantly visual, auditory, or kinesthetic learners. After considering each of these for ourselves, we need to consider whether our children are the same as we are. If we don't know, we can start with our own preferences, but just be aware that we may need to change if we discover that our preferences aren't working for our child.
Next, we asked, "What do you hope to accomplish in your homeschooling?" This is a consideration of long-term goals. Whether our long-term goals include college preparation, character training, life-skills or business learning, strong family relationships, or a combination of some or all of these, there are things that we can teach our children now to set them further along the path toward these goals. As with the first question, this question can also help us to make decisions about homeschooling direction (curriculum and like decisions).
Similarly, we asked, "What life-skills do your kids need to know before they leave your home? What can they learn right now?" Nearly all children can be learning some life skill. A young child may not be able to do laundry or cook on his own, but he can fold washcloths and help you in the kitchen. Making it an activity that you do and enjoy together will also help shape his view of work as something that can be fun, or at the very least, can be done with a good attitude since it has to be done anyway.
Finally, we asked, "What are you willing to sacrifice for homeschooling?" Some of us are willing to sacrifice a clean home, others healthy meals. Some are us are not willing to sacrifice either, and so choose to have a less rigorous homeschooling program. All of us have things that we are not willing to "let go." We need to be aware of those things. Homeschooling does require us to sacrifice some things, and it is good to know our own limits. However, things that ought never be sacrificed for homeschooling are our relationships with God, our husbands, or our children. If we are sacrificing those things, we need to re-evaluate our priorities.
Thinking about each of these questions can really help shape our individual homeschools into places where our family's goals are well-thought out and achieved, where our children's individuality is honored and accepted, and where we know our own limits so that we can choose wisely when opportunities come to us.
Saturday, July 9, 2016
Suggested Reading
This summer, I happened to pick up a library book, At Home with Madame Chic: Becoming a Connoisseur of Daily Life by Jennifer L. Scott. I was intrigued by an excerpt from the book...You may think that being chic has nothing to do with the most insignificant and mundane moments of the day. Moments like preparing your meals, emptying the dishwasher, and paying bills. The secret is: those moments aren't insignificant. Au Contraire. They are very significant. That's right; if you can change your attitude about making the pasta sauce, or choosing your clothes for the day, folding the laundry, setting the table, or dealing with the incoming mail, you can completely change your life.
The book is not a Christian book per-se, but as I read, I realized that it emcompassed the practical application of much of what we have discussed this year from Titus 2. For me, it especially impacted my attitude about being a keeper at home and loving my children and husband. It also easier to be kind and to be self-controlled when my attitude is aligned with submission to God's plan for my days and not caught up in what I want for myself.
The book is a quick read. If you struggle as I do with enjoying the mundane tasks of life and with going with the flow when your plans are interrupted, I suggest you take the time to check it out.
The book is not a Christian book per-se, but as I read, I realized that it emcompassed the practical application of much of what we have discussed this year from Titus 2. For me, it especially impacted my attitude about being a keeper at home and loving my children and husband. It also easier to be kind and to be self-controlled when my attitude is aligned with submission to God's plan for my days and not caught up in what I want for myself.
The book is a quick read. If you struggle as I do with enjoying the mundane tasks of life and with going with the flow when your plans are interrupted, I suggest you take the time to check it out.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)