Opportunities to Fail

While at the gym last week, I noticed a sign:  "Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn."  As homeschoolers, do we really welcome lack of success in an endeavor as a learning opportunity?

Jessica Lahey, in her book The Gift of Failure, challenges us to allow our kids to fail and to use it as an opportunity for their learning.  When we reflect honestly on our own lives, we realize that the times we have grown most spiritually, emotionally, or academically are the difficult times, the times in which we have been challenged.  Yet many of us also try to protect our kids from those same opportunities for growth. 

So what can we do to overcome this fear of failure in ourselves and our children?  Lahey has several suggestions:
1) Give praise when your children demonstrate perseverance in the face of a difficult task, when they try something new.  This promotes a growth mentality -- that everyone can improve in a given area with effort and practice.  Do not praise their intelligence or ability.  This promotes a fixed mentality -- that intelligence and talent are innate and unchanging. 

2)  Teach that trying and failing are part of the learning process.  Model this by trying new things yourself.  (From experience, I can tell you that the failures that come from trying new cooking methods or recipes in the kitchen will bring laughter for years to come!)

3) Do give your children chores around the house -- even the youngest can do something.  Don't go around after them and correct their mistakes.  Either reteach or let it go.  Otherwise, you send the message that they can't do it and that you will always be there to fix it for them.

4) Do not swoop in to fix tiffs with their friends or siblings, either.  Peers give great natural consequences for inappropriate social behavior, and these are opportunities for our children to learn personal limits, empathy, interpersonal skills, communication skills, etc.  When your child is excluded, do not intervene.  Remember that making, keeping, and deciding when to part with friends is a valuable part of your child's education.  So intervene only when it is completely necessary.

5) In education, grades are not a good intrinsic motivator, so (as many homeschoolers are already doing) try to focus on a love of learning and independent inquiry.  If there are problems to be solved, allow your child ample time to try to figure out a solution himself before jumping in to help.  While expectations must be made clear, allow your child as much autonomy as possible in deciding when, where, and how to complete her schoolwork. 

6)  If your child has other teachers, remember that you and she are on the same side.  If your child has an issue with grading, assignments, etc., encourage your child to take it up with the teacher.  Don't get involved unless absolutely necessary.  Remember that the real world is full of rules that we don't agree with but must abide by, as well as demanding bosses that are poor communicators.  What a great opportunity for your child to learn how to get along in these situations now. 

7) Allow your child to develop "executive function" skills, such as time management, keeping a schedule, and attention to detail.  Oh, how I have failed at this, especially by not enforcing deadlines.  So now I have a junior in high school and a freshman in college who are trying to learn these skills late in the game.  If you have a child in middle school, hand these "chores" over to them as much as possible so that they can learn these skills early. 

8)  Be calm.  If your child fails at something it does not mean you are a bad parent or that you have failed at schooling him.  Remember that it is just an opportunity to improve in another area of life. 

9)  Here is a quick checklist to see the difference between parents who are trying to control their children and parents who are trying to guide their children toward successful independence. 

Controlling Parents	Independence-Supporting Parents
Give lots of unsolicited advice/directions in order to prevent mistakes	Understand importance of allowing child to make mistakes so she can learn from them Offer unsolicited guidance only when child is really stuck and at big learning moments
Take over tasks so that they are done the “right” way	Remember that the goal is for the child to learn to do it herself, not to get the task done
Offer rewards for common behaviors	Use rewards sparingly
Provide solutions to problems before child has really struggled	Give child time and silence to think Value mistakes and find lessons in failures
Don’t let child make her own decisions	Recognizes that ownership of the activity is more important than which activity is chosen. Recognizes the importance of opportunities to practice decision-making, even if parent disagrees with the decision made.
Nag, nitpick, hover, direct	Set limits, but allows autonomy within those limits. Hold kids accountable for end result. Are available if child needs them.
	Support child’s efforts. Give feedback that acknowledges child’s feelings of disappointment/frustration. Guide child toward seeing her mistakes. Model learning from their own failures and changing strategy. Seek “Desirable Difficulties” for their children – where the stakes are low and potential for growth is high. Do not rescue child from the consequences of his mistakes/choices. Ask themselves, “What am I doing for my children that they can/should be doing for themselves?”

Meeting Change for Nov. 14

Our meeting tonight, November 14, 2017, will be held at Panera in Englewood, as Perkins is closed for remodeling.

First Fellowship meeting 2017-2018

We had a great fellowship meeting last night!  It was so good to see friends after a summer off.

One of the questions that came up is, "When you are working with one child, how do you deal with your other children needing your attention at that same time?"

One mom shared an idea of setting time blocks allotted to each child.  For example, 9-11 is when she might work with her youngest, with the older children working independently until it is their time with mom.

We do something similar in our house.  I set 30 minute increments in which I am scheduled to do a specific subject with a specific child.  This year, from 9-9:30, I am scheduled to do math with my youngest; then from 9:30-10, Chemistry with my junior, etc.

In the three weeks since we have started school, we have probably done Chemistry at 9:30 possibly three times. However, this is not a problem at all.  If my Chemist needs me at a time when I am not working with his sister, I am glad to help him.  However, if my Chemist comes to me while I am working with her, I simply point to the schedule and say, "This is my time to work with your sister on her writing.  When I am done with that, I will be glad to help you."

No fights.  No having to make a spur of the moment decision about whom to help first.  The schedule is there.  We set it together at the beginning of the year, so there is nothing to get upset about.  (Not that that doesn't ever happen, but that is a story for another blog.)

November 8 meeting update

Due to some last minute complications, our meeting for tonight, November 8, will be a fellowship meeting.  We will have our Teach them Diligently Wrap-up at our December meeting.

First meeting of 2016-2017: What Am I Doing?!

We had a great first meeting of this school year.  Our topic was, "What am I doing?!" and we basically covered choosing what to do and what to let go in our homeschooling.  Contrary to some teachers, who believe that if you just follow the steps they lay out, your parenting (or homeschooling) journey will be successful, I believe that homeschooling and parenting are most successful when they are personalized.  So our meeting focused on several questions that we can ask ourselves in order to personalize our homeschooling and time priorities.

First, we asked, "Why is your family homeschooling right now?"  We may want to have more time with our children, focusing on building up strong family relations with them and between siblings.  We may want to focus on academics and providing a better education than what we had.  We may want their education to be more Biblically based or more experiential or more age-appropriate than what the public schools offer.  Our answers to this question can help us to determine which curriculum to use (if any), whether or not to join a co-op, how much time to spend on school each day, etcetera.

Secondly we asked, "How do you learn best?  How does your child learn best?"  This was a consideration of what time of day we learn best; the amount of light, space, noise, and clutter we can tolerate in our learning/work environment; if we like to be more or less scheduled; and if we are predominantly visual, auditory, or kinesthetic learners.  After considering each of these for ourselves, we need to consider whether our children are the same as we are.  If we don't know, we can start with our own preferences, but just be aware that we may need to change if we discover that our preferences aren't working for our child.

Next, we asked, "What do you hope to accomplish in your homeschooling?"  This is a consideration of long-term goals.  Whether our long-term goals include college preparation, character training, life-skills or business learning, strong family relationships, or a combination of some or all of these, there are things that we can teach our children now to set them further along the path toward these goals.  As with the first question, this question can also help us to make decisions about homeschooling direction (curriculum and like decisions).  

Similarly, we asked, "What life-skills do your kids need to know before they leave your home?  What can they learn right now?"  Nearly all children can be learning some life skill.  A young child may not be able to do laundry or cook on his own, but he can fold washcloths and help you in the kitchen.  Making it an activity that you do and enjoy together will also help shape his view of work as something that can be fun, or at the very least, can be done with a good attitude since it has to be done anyway.

Finally, we asked, "What are you willing to sacrifice for homeschooling?"  Some of us are willing to sacrifice a clean home, others healthy meals. Some are us are not willing to sacrifice either, and so choose to have a less rigorous homeschooling program.  All of us have things that we are not willing to "let go."  We need to be aware of those things.  Homeschooling does require us to sacrifice some things, and it is good to know our own limits.  However, things that ought never be sacrificed for homeschooling are our relationships with God, our husbands, or our children.  If we are sacrificing those things, we need to re-evaluate our priorities.

Thinking about each of these questions can really help shape our individual homeschools into places where our family's goals are well-thought out and achieved, where our children's individuality is honored and accepted, and where we know our own limits so that we can choose wisely when opportunities come to us.

Suggested Reading

This summer, I happened to pick up a library book, At Home with Madame Chic: Becoming a Connoisseur of Daily Life by Jennifer L. Scott.  I was intrigued by an excerpt from the book...You may think that being chic has nothing to do with the most insignificant and mundane moments of the day.  Moments like preparing your meals, emptying the dishwasher, and paying bills. The secret is: those moments aren't insignificant.  Au Contraire.  They are very significant.  That's right; if you can change your attitude about making the pasta sauce, or choosing your clothes for the day, folding the laundry, setting the table, or dealing with the incoming mail, you can completely change your life. 

The book is not a Christian book per-se, but as I read, I realized that it emcompassed the practical application of much of what we have discussed this year from Titus 2.  For me, it especially impacted my attitude about being a keeper at home and loving my children and husband.  It also easier to be kind and to be self-controlled when my attitude is aligned with submission to God's plan for my days and not caught up in what I want for myself.

The book is a quick read.  If you struggle as I do with enjoying the mundane tasks of life and with going with the flow when your plans are interrupted, I suggest you take the time to check it out.

May 10 -- Be Submissive to Your Husband

For the last meeting of our Titus 2 study, we considered what God's command to submit to our husbands means for us.  This command is not just found in Titus 2: 4-5; it is also found in Ephesians 5:22-24, Colossians 3:18, and 1 Peter 2:23-3:2. 

First, we discussed the word "submission."  It comes from the Latin "sub" meaning "under" and "mitto, missi" meaning "to send."  So, in essence, submission is a wife choosing to "send" her desires, thoughts for how things ought to be done, etc. "under" her husband's desires and thoughts.  Of course, as with all commands from God, this needs to be done cheerfully and respectfully.

These passages teach us that the command to submit comes to us from God himself (meaning that we will be accountable to Him alone at judgement for our obedience) and that we are to submit to our own husbands about everything (unless they demand us to do something against Biblical commands).

We also noted that the greatest hindrance to our submission is not our husband's lack of leadership, desire for carnal things (like video games), or even lack of salvation.  Our greatest hindrance to obedience in this area is the same as every other area -- our desire is for our own way instead of God's way.

Luke 5:1-6 gives a great example of how we are to submit.  In this story, we see that Peter (a fisherman by profession) respectfully gives his opinion about the command that Jesus gave.  ("Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything.")  In the same way, we have insights, knowledge, or perspectives that our husbands might not have considered.  We ought to respectfully share these with them.

In Peter's story, Jesus' command does not change upon receiving Peter's information.  So Peter simply obeyed Him ("But because you say so, I will let down the nets.")  Similarly, sometimes our husbands' decisions will not change based on the information we provide.  Our response in this instance is simple -- we do what they have requested and trust God with the outcome.

There are so many blessings from submission.  First of all, our Titus 2 reading tells us that doing so will keep the word of God from being maligned.  (I hope it is acceptable for me to think in the positive -- that doing so will honor the word of God in the eyes of others.)  Submission shows the world that difference that Christ makes in the life of a woman.

There are many other blessings as well -- peace in our lives and homes (We no longer have to fight for our own way because we have already decided to give it up.), greater love and respect for our husbands, seeing our husbands become leaders, rightly reflecting the relationship between the church and God, and practicing so that submission to God is easier.