Jessica Lahey, in her book The Gift of Failure, challenges us to allow our kids to fail and to use it as an opportunity for their learning. When we reflect honestly on our own lives, we realize that the times we have grown most spiritually, emotionally, or academically are the difficult times, the times in which we have been challenged. Yet many of us also try to protect our kids from those same opportunities for growth.
So what can we do to overcome this fear of failure in ourselves and our children? Lahey has several suggestions:
1) Give praise when your children demonstrate perseverance in the face of a difficult task, when they try something new. This promotes a growth mentality -- that everyone can improve in a given area with effort and practice. Do not praise their intelligence or ability. This promotes a fixed mentality -- that intelligence and talent are innate and unchanging.
2) Teach that trying and failing are part of the learning process. Model this by trying new things yourself. (From experience, I can tell you that the failures that come from trying new cooking methods or recipes in the kitchen will bring laughter for years to come!)
3) Do give your children chores around the house -- even the youngest can do something. Don't go around after them and correct their mistakes. Either reteach or let it go. Otherwise, you send the message that they can't do it and that you will always be there to fix it for them.
4) Do not swoop in to fix tiffs with their friends or siblings, either. Peers give great natural consequences for inappropriate social behavior, and these are opportunities for our children to learn personal limits, empathy, interpersonal skills, communication skills, etc. When your child is excluded, do not intervene. Remember that making, keeping, and deciding when to part with friends is a valuable part of your child's education. So intervene only when it is completely necessary.
5) In education, grades are not a good intrinsic motivator, so (as many homeschoolers are already doing) try to focus on a love of learning and independent inquiry. If there are problems to be solved, allow your child ample time to try to figure out a solution himself before jumping in to help. While expectations must be made clear, allow your child as much autonomy as possible in deciding when, where, and how to complete her schoolwork.
6) If your child has other teachers, remember that you and she are on the same side. If your child has an issue with grading, assignments, etc., encourage your child to take it up with the teacher. Don't get involved unless absolutely necessary. Remember that the real world is full of rules that we don't agree with but must abide by, as well as demanding bosses that are poor communicators. What a great opportunity for your child to learn how to get along in these situations now.
7) Allow your child to develop "executive function" skills, such as time management, keeping a schedule, and attention to detail. Oh, how I have failed at this, especially by not enforcing deadlines. So now I have a junior in high school and a freshman in college who are trying to learn these skills late in the game. If you have a child in middle school, hand these "chores" over to them as much as possible so that they can learn these skills early.
8) Be calm. If your child fails at something it does not mean you are a bad parent or that you have failed at schooling him. Remember that it is just an opportunity to improve in another area of life.
9) Here is a quick checklist to see the difference between parents who are trying to control their children and parents who are trying to guide their children toward successful independence.
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Controlling Parents
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Independence-Supporting Parents
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Give lots of unsolicited
advice/directions in order to prevent mistakes
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Understand importance of
allowing child to make mistakes so she can learn from them
Offer unsolicited guidance only
when child is really stuck and at big learning moments
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Take over tasks so that they
are done the “right” way
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Remember that the goal is for
the child to learn to do it herself, not to get the task done
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Offer rewards for common
behaviors
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Use rewards sparingly
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Provide solutions to problems
before child has really struggled
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Give child time and silence to
think
Value mistakes and find lessons
in failures
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Don’t let child make her own decisions
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Recognizes that ownership of
the activity is more important than which activity is chosen.
Recognizes the importance of
opportunities to practice decision-making, even if parent disagrees with the
decision made.
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Nag, nitpick, hover, direct
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Set limits, but allows autonomy
within those limits.
Hold kids accountable for end
result.
Are available if child needs
them.
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Support child’s efforts.
Give feedback that acknowledges
child’s feelings of disappointment/frustration.
Guide child toward seeing her
mistakes.
Model learning from their own
failures and changing strategy.
Seek “Desirable Difficulties”
for their children – where the stakes are low and potential for growth is
high.
Do not rescue child from the
consequences of his mistakes/choices.
Ask themselves, “What am I
doing for my children that they can/should be doing for themselves?”
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